How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, church, church, church."

[layback40]

A woman sets her fanny on fire by accident. Panicking, her husband tells her to stand on the balcony and let the wind blow it out, but she slips and falls.
paddy and murphy are stood below watching the flaming fanny hurtle towards them. paddy says, "Is that a comet?" "Dont be daft" says murphy, "Its a twattalite!!.

[layback40]

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

[layback40]

A Russian woman married an Australian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Melbourne . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store... (Please scroll down.)
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What were you thinking?
Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English! Now get back to whatever you were doing. I don't know about you sometimes!!..

[layback40]

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, “Its dark in here.” The man says, “Yes, it is.” Boy ~ “I have a baseball.” Man ~ “That’s nice.” Boy ~ “Want to buy it?” Man ~ “No, thanks.” Boy ~ “My dad’s outside.” Man ~ “OK, how much?” Boy ~ “$250″
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy ~ “Its dark in here.” Man ~ “Yes, it is.” Boy ~ “I have a baseball glove.” The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?” Boy ~ “$750″ Man ~ “Fine.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.” The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.” The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?” Boy ~ “$1,000″ The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, “Dark in here.” The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again.”

[layback40]

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:
First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second guy: "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word.
So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.
What's the deal?"
Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or sex," and she said, "Wear sun-block!!..

[layback40]

Paddy goes into a pharmacy - reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.
He pours from the bottle onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.
"Could you taste this for me, please?"
The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.
"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.
"No, not at all," says the chemist.
"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy.
"The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar!!..