How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

A Company has contacted the wife, via Text & Email asking her to donate their clothes to the starving in Africa.
Don't fall for it, i said. anyone who fits in your clothes, ain't fucking starving...

[layback40]

Feeling really depressed today. I had an argument with the wife and she refused to speak to me for six months. This is the last day.

[layback40]

A violent tropical storm enveloped a sailing yacht off the southern coast of Florida lasting all night and most of the next morning.
As the sky cleared and the seas calmed, the people on the yacht realized they were grounded on a coral reef about a mile from shore in shark infested waters.
Most of those aboard the yacht were badly injured from their ordeal. The only able bodied that were on board were a doctor, a priest, and a lawyer.
The doctor says, "Someone is going to have to swim ashore and get some help. I would volunteer but most of the crew and passengers are in pretty bad shape and I am needed here to care for them."
The priest replies, "I would volunteer to go also but I might be needed to comfort the injured or perform last rights."
The lawyer says, "No problem."
He immediately strips off his shirt and dives into the shark infested water. There is a great turbulence in the water and then the doctor and priest notice that all of the sharks have formed a double line from the yacht to the beach allowing the lawyer to swim between them.
"My Goodness," says the priest. "It is a miracle!"
The doctor looking at the lawyer swimming to shore says, "No, Father. It is not a miracle. It's professional courtesy!"

[layback40]

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. “What’s up?” he says.

“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.

Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

“You rotten b*stard”, says the husband, “my wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!!!”

[layback40]

A guy's driving down a country road when he comes upon a sign saying "Apples - $5.00 each."
He thinks that that is a lot of money so he decides to go see what's up. He goes up to the farmer and says, "Hey, how come these apples are 5 bucks each?"
The farmer replies, "They are peanut butter and jelly apples." The farmer hands him one and says, "Here, try one."
So the man takes a bite out of the apple and says, "Peanut butter - that's great, but I thought you said that they were peanut butter and jelly apples."
The farmer tells the man to turn it around. The man bites the other side and exclaims "son of a gun - jelly!"
The man says, "These apples are great - give me some."
He gets back in his car and drives a little further down the road and then sees another sign "Apples - $10 each."
Again, he pulls over, goes to the farmer and says, "Hey, what's up with these apples?"
The farmer says, "They're ham and cheese apples. Here, try one."
The guy takes a bit and exclaims, "Son of a gun - ham!" The guy then says, "Let me guess - I have to turn it around."
The farmer says "You got it."
The guy bites the other side and says, "Cheese." Again the man says, "These apples are great - give me some."
Then he gets back in his car and drives down the road. He comes upon a third sign that says "Apples - $50 each."
The guy really wants to see what's up with these apples. Again, he pulls over, goes up to the farmer and says, "What's the deal with these apples? 50 bucks each?"
The farmer tells him that "These apples are pussy apples. Here, try one." The guy takes a bite out of it and says, "Yuck! This apple tastes like shit."
The farmer says, "Turn it around!"

[layback40]

My sexual desires have been getting out of control…
But it wasn’t until I spanked a statue that I knew I’d hit rock bottom..

[Billnick]

My wife is a sex object.
I mention sex and she objects.