How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[bruggz351]

One day, Jill's husband came home from the office and found her sobbing convulsively. " I feel terrible, " she told him. " I was pressing your suit and I burned a hole in the seat of your trousers. " forget it, " consoled her husband. " Remember that I bought an extra pair of pants for that suit." Yes, and it's lucky for you that you did," said Jill, drying her eyes. "
I used them to patch the hole."

[layback40]

My neighbours are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not.

It is important to make breaks between individual exercises. I personally stick to breaks of about 3-4 years.

Sometimes I drink water - just to surprise my liver.

Hearing voices in your head is normal. Listening to them is quite common. Arguing with them – acceptable. It is only when you lose that argument that you get in real trouble.

I didn’t fall down… I did attack the floor though.

Organized people are simply too lazy to search for stuff.

Yes, the early bird catches the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Never drive faster than a guardian angel can fly.

No thanks, I didn't fight my way to the top of the food pyramid to become a vegetarian.

I am in touch with my motivation. I saw it going by this morning, waving at me and winking.

It is usually better to shut up and let people suspect that you’re stupid than to say something and remove all doubts.

Yes, I am awake, but at what cost?

There is a thin line between fishing and simply sitting on the river bank looking like an idiot.

Once you have your mouth open, dentists lose the ability to ask questions with a simple yes or no answer.

You can go anywhere you like; you must only look serious and carry a clipboard.

If it isn’t due tomorrow, it’s not homework.

It may seem like I'm doing nothing, but I'm actively waiting for my problems to disappear

[bruggz351]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike,
"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Aldi's. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to
do about It. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Aldi's.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.


Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:



"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Aldi's."


That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a ********** sample from himself for
good measure.


Joe hurries back to Aldi's, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.


The computer printed the following:


1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Aldi.

[Banshee]

Does it work on Anglicans as well?

[layback40]

I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I liked it.

RIP boiled water. You will be mist.

If you want a job in the moisturiser industry, the best advice I can give you is to apply daily.

What do you get hanging off banana trees? Sore arms.

I hate perforated lines, they're tearable.

A man tried to sell me a coffin today... I told him that's the last thing I need.

I was in an 80s band called The Prevention. We were better than The Cure…

If you ever need to hide a dead body, you should place it on the second page of Google search results.

Why was the electrician always angry? Because he had a short fuse

A friend claims his dog can retrieve a stick from 5 miles away. Sounds a bit far-fetched to me.

When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo I had to put my foot down.

Did you hear about the runner who was criticized? He just took it in stride

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.... Then it's a soap opera.

The rotation of earth really makes my day.

Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? I don’t know, they just seem a bit shady.

Anything is gluten free if you just don't eat it.

You know what they say about cliff-hangers...

Want to hear a joke about construction? Nah, I’d better not; I'm still working on it.

I thought about going on an all-almond diet.... But that's just nuts.

You can't run through a camp site. You can only ran, because it's past tents.

My Czech mate is surprisingly bad at chess.

Archaeology really is a career in ruins...

And how long does it have to be before it’s considered archaeology instead of grave robbing?

[layback40]

A conference call is the best way for a dozen people to say “bye” 300 times.

As we waited for a bus in the frosty weather, the woman next to me mentioned that she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold. I nodded knowingly. “It’s the early signs of typothermia.”

Concerned about what will happen to cities if the polar ice caps melt? Don’t be. New names have already been chosen.

Atlantis City, New Jersey

Pariscope, France

Floodelphia, Pennsylvania

Helsunki, Finland



The summer after college graduation, I was living at home, fishing in the daytime, spending nights with my friends—generally just hanging out. One afternoon my grandfather, who never went to college, stopped by. Concerned with how I was spending my time, he asked about my future plans. I told him I was in no hurry to tie myself down to a career. “Well,” he replied, “you better start thinking about it. You’ll be thirty before you know it.”

“But I’m closer to twenty than to thirty,” I protested. “I won’t be thirty for eight more years.”

“I see,” he said, smiling. “And when will you be twenty again?”



I was talking on the phone with my son who was learning scuba-dive. They used the buddy system, he said, and occasionally dived into shark-infested waters. Listening to the conversation, my daughter asked, “What do you do when you see a shark?”

Said my son, “Swim faster than my buddy.”



One spring day I was taking the roll in my secretarial class at our local technical college. One of the sun worshipers was absent. “Cindy won’t be here this afternoon?” I asked. “She went home to lay in the sun,” a young woman in the front row answered. Trying to correct her grammar without embarrassing her before the class, I whispered, “Lie.” Okay,” she replied in astonishment. “Cindy got sick and went home.”

In the high country, spring is always eagerly awaited after winter. When I arrived at work one day in mid-March, I noticed a sign gaily decorated with flowers and butterflies. It read: “Think Spring.” The first day of spring blew in with snow and freezing temperatures, however, and another flowery sign was posted. This time the message read: “Forget Spring. Think Summer.”

[boxheadmr]

A GUY WALKS INTO THE LOCAL WELFARE OFFICE, MARCHES STRAIGHT UP TO THE COUNTER TO COLLECT HIS FORTNIGHTLY CHECK AND SAYS "HI...YA KNOW, I JUST HATE DRAWING WELFARE. I'D REALLY RATHER HAVE A JOB."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes or his Rolls, he'll supply all of your clothes, credit cards and money. Because of the long hours, all your meals will also be provided.
You'll be expected to escort the beautiful daughter on her overseas holiday trips, you'll have to satisfy all of her needs including any
"physical" urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage and the starting salary is £200,000 a year"
The guy says, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker says, "YEAH, BUT YOU F***IN STARTED IT".

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