How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

😜😜Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"
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A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cos I still have mine."
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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to A&E, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all." "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids." !
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
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A blonde calls the Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from Ringway to New York City?" The agent replies, "Just a minute." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
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Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion.."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell."
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A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse..
"Oops!"
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While shopping for holiday clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one." He is still in intensive care!

[layback40]

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines eight years ago, you would have $49.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG insurance seven years ago, you would have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers eleven years ago, you would have nothing today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Northern Rock nine years ago, you would have nothing today
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all the beer, then taken the aluminum cans to the scrap metal dealer, you would have received $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.
A recent study found that the average person walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that we drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means that, on average, we get about 41 miles to the gallon!
Makes you proud to be a piss head.

[layback40]

The young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about her relationship to her husband) presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself. The tech support people's love advice was hilarious and genius!
The query:
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed: Desperate
The response (that came weeks later out of the blue).
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the Tears application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download Snoring Loudly Beta version.
Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.
In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend Cooking 3.0.
Good Luck
Tech Support

[layback40]

The wife checked her husband’s phone and found these names:
‘The tender one’
‘The amazing one’
‘Lady of my dreams’
She got angry and called the first number to find out that was his mother.
Then she called the second number to which his sister replied.
When she dialled the third number her own phone rang.
She cried until her eyes got swollen because she had doubted her innocent husband,
so, she gave him her whole month’s salary to make up for it.
Husband took the money and bought a gift for his girlfriend, whose name was saved as:
‘Uncle Mick the mechanic’