How tuff are Aussie blokes?

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The wife said to me this morning .we are having her mother for dinner on Sunday .. I said why cant we have beef lamb or chicken like everybody else!!..

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Don't worry if you don't get the A level results you wanted, I failed maths in 2001 and 18 years on it hasn't affected me!!..

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As is tradition in Italian families, Maria spends her wedding night in her family home. Her mother sleeps in the adjacent room in case Maria has any questions. Mama tells Maria, "You have any a problem, you come and see Mama."
Later, Maria's husband unbuttons his shirt, and Maria jumps up, runs next door and cries, "Mama, Mama.. He has hair all over his chest..!"
Mama reassures Maria, "Men have hair on the chest. This is sign of a good man. Go now and make him happy."
But when Maria's husband takes off his belt, she goes jumps up again, runs next door and cries, "Mama, Mama..! He has a protrusion in his pants..!"
Mama reassures her, "He finds you beautiful. This is sign of a good man. Go now and make him happy."
Finally, Maria's husband takes off his shoes. Due to a terrible childhood accident, he only has half of his right foot. Maria jumps up and runs back to her mother's room, shouting, "Mama, Mama..! He has a foot and a half..!"
Her mother gets up and announces, "Stand back, Maria -- this is a job for your Mama!!.

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A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to
dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole!!.

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I was in Turkey on holiday and came across one of those Turkish bath houses.
They shaved with a solid steel stone ground razor from below the neckline, inside the ears, snipped out nose hairs, waxed off chest hairs and plucked all the hairs out of the ass crack, all finished off with a moustache trim and alcohol rub.
Honestly, the wife's never looked so frickin' good.

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I knocked on my neighbour's door and said, "Your daughter owes me a new van. I've just crashed into a tree because of her."
"You must be mistaken," she replied, "our daughter is upstairs having a shower
I said, "I know, ....she's left the curtains open."

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Q. What’s the difference between the Sydney Harbour Bridge and the Aussie cricket team?
A. Not everyone has walked over the harbour bridge.


Q. What’s the difference between Cinderella and an Australian cricketer?
A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.


Q. What do you call a world class Australian cricketer?
A. Retired.


Q. What do you get if you cross the Australian cricket team with an Oxo cube?
A. Laughing stock.


Q. What’s the difference between Michael Clarke and a funeral director?
A. A funeral director doesn’t keep losing the ashes.


Q. What’s the difference between an Aussie batsman and a formula one car?
A. Nothing. If you blink you’ll miss them both.


Q. What do Aussie batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.


Q. What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?
A. The entire Australian innings.


Q. What do you call a cricket field full of Australians ?
A. A vacant lot.


Q. What is the main function of the Australian coach?
A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.


Q. Who spends the most time on the crease?
A. The woman who irons the Australian team’s cricket whites.


Q. Why don’t Aussie fielders need travel injections?
A. Because they never catch anything.


Q. What is the most proficient footwork displayed by Australian batsmen?
A. The walk back to the pavilion.


Q. What is the definition of optimism?
A. An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen before going out to bat.


Q. What’s the Australian version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten, Walloped.


Q. Who has the easiest job in the Australian squad?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.


Q. What do you call an Australian who can handle a bat?
A. A vet.


Q. Why are Australian cricketers more clever than Houdini?
A. Because they can get out without even trying.


Q. What’s the difference between Michael Clarke and a phoenix?
A. At the end of the ashes, the phoenix still has a future.