How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[WhiteMeat]

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said : 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while.
What happened? You look terrible.'
'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'
Bartender: 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'
Pirate: 'Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'
Bartender: 'Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?'
Pirate: 'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really...'
Bartender: 'What about that eye patch?'
Pirate: 'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them sh!t in my eye.'
Bartender: 'You're kidding, you lost an eye just from bird sh!t?'
Pirate: 'It was my first day with the hook.

[layback40]

I met some big fat chick in a club last night and I said to her 'Jesus you're a big girl aren't you?'. With a tear in her eye she said 'Tell me something I don't know'. So I said 'Salad tastes nice!

[layback40]

A mother was teaching her child about the side-effects of alcohol. She gets two short glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "What do you have to say about this experiment?"
The child responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

[WhiteMeat]

George and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool.
Mary suddenly jumped into the deep end.
She sank to the bottom and stayed there.
George promptly jumped in to save her, he swam to the bottom and pulled Mary out.
When the medical doctor became aware of George’s act, he immediately ordered his discharged as he now considered him to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell George the news.
He said "George, i have good news and bad news, the good news is you are being discharged, because you were able to jump in to a swimming pool and save the life of another patient.
I think you have gotten well enough and the bad news is that, the patient you saved hung herself with her bathrobe belt in the bathroom, I am sorry, she is dead."
George replied, she did not hang herself, I put her there to dry.

[WhiteMeat]

A man walks into a shop and is looking at the handbags.
He picks one up and asks the assistant how much it would cost.
The assistant replies "£200 for that one".
Shocked the customer says "£200! Why does it cost so much? It's only small and doesn't look anything special."
The assistant says, "It's the material it's made of."
Confused the customer asks, "What is it made of then?"
The assistant grins and says "foreskin. You give it a bit of a rub and a lick and it grows into a suitcase!”

[layback40]

I hate being the only drunk person at a party.

I totally ruined my 5 year olds birthday.

[layback40]

an old man was sitting on a bench in the park sobbing loudly .a young man walking his dog noticed +went over to him and asked 'are you alright old man ? the old man says no not really ,im very sad !! .whats wrong ahy are you Sobbing ? the old man says ,well I just married a beautiful 23 year old model who also is a nymphomaniac and gives me great sex every day !! wow says the young man ! but why are you upset ??? the old man says ,because I cant remember where f##kin I live !