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  #6924  
Old 05-11-2016
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A man once told his son that if he wanted to live a long life the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his cornflakes every morning. The son did this religiously every morning, and lived to be 93.

When he died, he left 6 children, 11 grandchildren, 27 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
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  #6925  
Old 05-11-2016
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With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

"May we see the new baby?" one asked.

"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"

"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.

"Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?"

"BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM. O.K.?"
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  #6926  
Old 05-11-2016
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"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.

"Well, doc, 25 years ago..."

"Never mind the past! Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."

"Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.

I said, "No, everything is fine."

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"I'm sure," I said.

"Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know.

"I reckon not," I replied.

"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What the hell does this story have to do with your broken leg?"

"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"
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  #6927  
Old 06-11-2016
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A salesman was traveling through the countryside, selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it."

The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you."

The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped.

The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake. Back to the house went the farmer.

The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the corn field. Sure enough,the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him.

The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"

The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "For crying out loud, Mister, doesn't that calf have a Mother!!!"
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  #6928  
Old 06-11-2016
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A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer.

"What's up, John?" asked the farmer.

"Gosh Bob, I'll tell you what ... if I don't sell a tractor soon, I'm gonna have to close my shop."

"Now John, things could be worse," said Bob.

"How do you figure?" asked John.

"Well, John - you know my ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter. Then, the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall. Then she kicked my stool right out from underneath me! But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall. Well wouldn't you just know it...my damn pants fell down.

And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you TODAY!"
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  #6929  
Old 06-11-2016
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Two irishmen paddy n mick are having a drink watching the football in micks house.

At full time paddy gets up to go home but notices it is pissing down with rain,

"Stay the night here paddy,i'll go and make up a bed for ye"

When mick came back down the stairs paddy was drenched to the skin,

Mick says " what the heck happened to you"

Paddy says " I went home for my pyjamas
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  #6930  
Old 06-11-2016
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A LETTER FROM A 69yr OLD FEMALE TO AN AGONY AUNT:

Dear Deidre,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning and when I confront him, he denies everything. What’s worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It's so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around, shoot pool with his buddies and have sex with hookers, while I work so hard to pay our bills.
Since our daughter went away to college and then married, he doesn't even pretend to like me, and hints that I may be a lesbian. Please help. What should I do?
Confused…..

Dear Confused,
Grow up and dump him.You don't need him anymore. For fuck sake woman, you're running for President of the United States, get a grip!
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