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  #3494  
Old 01-06-2015
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I overheard my girlfriend muttering to herself, "Love that one... Hate that one... Ooh, that one made me cry."
"Are you going through your DVDs again?" I asked her.
"No," she replied. "My dildos....
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  #3495  
Old 01-06-2015
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A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?"

The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.

"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."
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  #3496  
Old 02-06-2015
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Dear Mrs Jones,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Jones, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Homewares to go off at 5- minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's toilets.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Homewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Customer Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of crisps.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the toy department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Whole Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the autoparts department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. October 23: Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was. And last, but not least:

16. October 24: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the Staff passed out...
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  #3497  
Old 02-06-2015
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What do we get from the hen?" asks the teacher.

"Eggs," says Little Susie.

"Good. And what do we get from the sheep?"

"Wool," says Little Susie.

"Good. And what do we get from the cow?"

"F@rking homework," says Little Johnny
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  #3498  
Old 02-06-2015
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Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times"
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  #3499  
Old 02-06-2015
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Paddy was arrested and sent for trial for armed bank robbery. After due deliberation, the jury foreman stood up and announced, 'Not guilty.' 'That's grand,' shouted Paddy, 'Does that mean I get to keep the money!!..
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  #3500  
Old 02-06-2015
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Paddy called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."
"That's terrible," she replied, "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest" Paddy said, "But if they were that would explain the suitcase!!..
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