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  #4393  
Old 29-07-2015
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A hooded robber burst into a preston bank and forced the cashier to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave preston customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer without any hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the cashier looking straight at him.
The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, "well, did anyone else see my face?"
there are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak.
Then, one old preston lad named alan tentatively raised his hand and said, "my wife got a pretty good look at you!!.
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  #4394  
Old 29-07-2015
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I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Fosters. He didn't like it so I had it.
Then I got him a Carling Black Label, he didn't like it, so I had it.
It was the same with the 1664 Lager and Premium Dry Cider.
By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the bloody pram back home!!..
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  #4395  
Old 29-07-2015
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A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later, the same Irishman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
"Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says "Yes," and he asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately, the Irishman tears into all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first!!..
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  #4396  
Old 29-07-2015
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THE END IS NEAR

Sean is the vicar of a Protestant parish, and Patrick is the priest at the Roman Catholic Church across the road.
One day they are seen together, erecting a sign which says:

"THE END IS NEAR. TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE."

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells,
"Leave people alone, you religious nutters. We don't need your lectures."
From around the next curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash.
Shaking his head, Father Patrick says "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."
"Yaa," Sean agrees, then adds, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say

"BRIDGE CLOSED"?
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  #4397  
Old 29-07-2015
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An undertaker comes home with a black eye.
"What happened to you?" asks his wife.
"I had a terrible day," replies the undertaker.
"I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection. Anyway, I find the room and, sure enough, there's this big, naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I did what I always do; I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."
"I see," says his wife." But how did you get the black eye?"
The undertaker replies, "Wrong room!!..
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  #4398  
Old 29-07-2015
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A gypsy girl is about to get married.Her mum says,"Emerald,you do realise that when you're married,your husband will want to stick his most prized posession in to where you piss?"..The daughter replies,"Shut up Ma,how the f@rk's he gonna fit his Transit van in the sink?"
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  #4399  
Old 29-07-2015
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A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, ‘I warned you to be careful! Now we’ll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.’
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, ‘Come on in.’
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, ‘Are you the people that broke my window?’
‘Uh…yeah! , sir. We’re sure sorry about that,’ the husband replied.
‘Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I’m a genie, and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, but if you don’t mind, I’ll keep the last one for my self.’
Wow, that’s great!’ the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, ‘I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.’
‘No problem,’ said the genie ‘You’ve got it, it’s the least I can do.. And I’ll guarantee you a long, healthy life!’
‘And now you, young lady, what do you want?’ the genie asked.
‘I’d like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,’ she said.
‘Consider it done,’ the genie said. ‘And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!’
‘And now,’ the couple asked in unison, ‘what’s your wish, genie?’
‘Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle, and haven’t been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.’
The husband looked at his wife and said, ‘Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?’
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, ‘You know, you’re right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn’t mind, but what about you, honey?’
You know I love you sweetheart,’ said the husband. I’d do the same for you!’
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.
The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?’
‘Why, we’re both 35,’ she responded breathlessly.
No Kidding,’ he said.
‘Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies!!..
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  #4400  
Old 30-07-2015
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You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in Melbourne .
Some of you (pilots...) will enjoy this more than others.... Victorians can be so polite!
Melbourne Tower : "Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land on runway 9R."
Saudi Air : "Thank you Melbourne . Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R ?
Allah be Praised."
Melbourne Tower : " Iran Air 711 - You are cleared to land on runway 27L."
Iran Air : "Thank you Melbourne . We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 27L. - Allah is Great."
Pause....
Saudi Air : " MELBOURNE TOWER - MELBOURNE TOWER !"
Melbourne Tower : "Go ahead Saudi Air 511..."
Saudi Air : "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE . ... .. .. ... INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!"
Melbourne Tower : "Proceed to your destination and tell Allah we said "Hi"
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  #4401  
Old 30-07-2015
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A huge guy walks into a bar, approaches a little guy and karate chops him in the back. When the little guy gets up, the huge guy says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."
A little later, the huge guy walks back over to the little guy and karate chops him in the back. The huge guy says, "That was a karate chop from China."
The little guy leaves the bar, comes back and hits the huge guy on the back. The huge guy lies unconscious on the floor. The little guy tells the bartender, "Tell him that was a crowbar from Bunnings!!..
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