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  #3905  
Old 04-07-2015
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I was washing the car yesterday when my annoying neighbour pipes up, You can clean mine next. Ha ha. I laughed. Jesus, it's bad enough I have to shag his missus for him!!..
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  #3906  
Old 04-07-2015
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I find it ironic how the colors red,white and blue are considered the colors of freedom until they are flashing behind you.
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  #3907  
Old 05-07-2015
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It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang.
“Hello?”
A girl’s voice came over the line. “Can I speak to Ben, please?”
I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was probably a wrong number and I was bored.
“I’m sorry, he’s not in right now. Can I take a message?”
“Do you know what time he’ll be back?” she responded.
“I think he said he’d be home around 10:00.”
Silence on the other end… a confused silence.
“Is this Steve?”
My name isn’t Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong number.
“Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?”
“Well… he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him…” she said in a slightly irritated voice.
I replied, “Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at 10:00.”
A shocked voice now: “Who’s Karen?!”
“The girl he went out with.”
“I know that! I mean… who is she?”
“I don’t know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?”
“Yes… please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home.”
She was sounding pretty irate at this point, and I could hear her temper flaring. “I sure will. Is this Jennifer?”
She exploded this time. “Who’s Jennifer?”
Apparently she wasn’t.
“Well… he’s going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry… it was an honest mistake.”
“Ben’s the one that’s made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called him and the she’s very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home.”
I smiled and said, “Okay, I will… but Becky isn’t going to like this!!..
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  #3908  
Old 05-07-2015
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TO THE WOMEN ONLY--MEN DON'T YOU DARE READ!!!
I've seen two shows recently that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be... puh-leeeeeeze!
I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck), you'll probably relate...
Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired moustache.
In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear end without turning around.
Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and realize that it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless on film.
Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream "Listen honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those will, too!"
Mid-life brings with it the wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.
Mid-life is when you look at your know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks??"
In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact, the only thing we can still retain is water.
Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By
Rand McNally... more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.
Mid-life means that you become more reflective. You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?
But, mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important...
We realize that breasts sag, hips expand, and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now for the body you had back then?
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  #3909  
Old 05-07-2015
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After my accident, I woke up in hospital this morning with a sexy nurse standing over me.
She said, "Sir, you may not feel anything from the waist down."
So I started touching her tits....
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  #3910  
Old 05-07-2015
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Mick and Paddy are reading headstones near a church. Mick turns to Paddy and says, "F@rk, there's a bloke here who was a 152!"
Paddy asks, "What was his name?"
Mick replies, "Miles from Sydney."
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  #3911  
Old 05-07-2015
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The vagina is the best rehab center in the world.
Even the most violent n hardest prick, cums out soft n reduced in size..
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  #3912  
Old 05-07-2015
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Whenever my wife wears her sexy underwear it can only mean one thing.
She's fallen behind with the washing!!..
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