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  #7105  
Old 01-12-2016
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A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison."

And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles and says, "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time, the bride says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again.

The bride again says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again," to which the husband yelled,

"Hey, it's not a life sentence!!!
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  #7106  
Old 01-12-2016
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WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws
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  #7107  
Old 01-12-2016
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A blonde couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end.

The adoption center called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he'll start to talk.

We just want to be able to understand him.
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  #7108  
Old 02-12-2016
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A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.

There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby.

And on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.

He hears a priest come in. “Father, forgive me for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”

The priest replies, “Get out, you idiot. You’re on my side!”
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  #7109  
Old 02-12-2016
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A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!”
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  #7110  
Old 02-12-2016
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A cowboy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks for a shot. Across the bar, a Mexican man is sitting and glaring at the cowboy.
The cowboy takes the shot and slams the shot glass down on the counter, yelling, "TGIF!"
The Mexican orders a shot, takes it, and slams his glass down, yelling, "SPIT!" The cowboy looks over at him and notices the Mexican guy is still staring at him.

The cowboy once again orders a shot, slams it down, and yells again "TGIF!" Once again, the Mexican orders a shot, slams it down after consuming it, and yells out, "SPIT!"

This goes on for a while, and the bartender stands puzzled and annoyed.

Finally, the bartender asks the cowboy, "Just checking, but do you know what TGIF means?" and the cowboy replies, "Hell ya I know what it means, 'Thank God It's Friday!'"
The bartender asks the Mexican guy, "Okay, so what does 'SPIT' mean?" and the Mexican replies, "Stupid Pendejo It's Thursday!"
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  #7111  
Old 02-12-2016
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A guy buys a new pair of mirror like shiny silver metallic shoes and is so happy he goes dancing at the club.

To impress the women he bets them that he can tell em their favorite color.

As he’s dancing with the first woman, he astonishes her when he tells her that her favorite color is blue.

He dances with the 2nd woman and surprises her by telling her that her favorite color is red.

When he gets to the 3rd woman, he seems a bit perplexed as he’s stares down at his shoes.

He looks up and asks her if she is wearing any panties and she says "No, why?"

He says...."Oh good, I thought I had a crack in my new shoes.
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  #7112  
Old 02-12-2016
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The banana bread I was making was in the oven when my 16-year-old came into the kitchen where the family had gathered.

"That bread smells about done don't you think Mum?" he asked.

I told him I had set the timer and it still had five minutes.

A little later he repeated his suggestion. "Mum I really think that loaf is done. Maybe you should check it."

Always quick to come to my defence my 13-year-old son said "Mum's been burning that banana bread for 20 years now. I think she knows when to take it out."



Q: Why do cows wear bells? A: Because their horns don't work.

Q: What kind of dinosaur is never late? A: A pronto-saurus.

Q: When do cannibals leave the table? A: When everyone's eaten.

Q: What's a King's favourite clothing? A: A reign coat.

Q: Where do mermaids see movies? A: At the dive-in

Q: What falls but never hurts itself? A: Snow.



A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah.'

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him.'



A Junior school teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

Looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'



Recently, I was diagnosed with : A.A.A.D.D . - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests: I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the table that I collected from the letter box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under the table, and notice that it is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the post-box when I take out the rubbish anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only 1 cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the cup of tea I'd been drinking. I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the tea aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The tea is getting cold, and I decide to put it in the microwave to warm it up. As I head toward the kitchen with the tea, a vase of flowers on the bench catches my eye - they need water. I put the tea on the bench and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realise that tonight when we watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote control, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the front room where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote control back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a cold cup of tea sitting on the bench, the flowers don't have clean water, - there is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book, I can't find the remote control, I can't find my glasses and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired. I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
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