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  #7505  
Old 01-05-2017
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The missus and I have both made those lists of 5 people that we're allowed to sleep with if we ever get the opportunity. She's picked Johnny Depp, Hugh Jackman, Jeremy Renner, Kiefer Sutherland and Paul Hollywood. I've gone for her sister, her cousin, her best mate, our next door neighbour and the fit bird from the Co-op..
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Old 01-05-2017
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An ugly bird came up to me in the pub and said,"What does reincarnation mean?" I said,"It means when you die,you come back as something else" She said,"When i die i'm gonna come back as a dog!" I said,"You're not fuckin listening love!"
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Old 01-05-2017
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A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name. He replied, "She is called Five Horses".

The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?"

The Indian answered, . It means.......fuckin......

NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!
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Old 01-05-2017
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Me and my misses, just decided we would watch one of our home made porno movies at home but by the time I pushed play on the DVD player and got back to the chair it was finished..
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Old 02-05-2017
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I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out that my new doctor is young, female and drop dead gorgeous. I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional, I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out.

I said, "My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny."
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Old 02-05-2017
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I walked into the local cafe and said, "Can you do me a breakfast my way?"
The bloke behind the counter said, "Certainly, what's your way?"
I said, "Well, first of all I want a fried egg. It should be fried so hard that you can take it off of the plate and bounce it. The beans, they've got to be cold inside, hot outside. I want the fried bread absolutely dripping in grease. I want tomato skins - no tomatoes, just the skins. The bacon has got to be so well done that when you put the fork in it, it springs all over the room. You got that?"
He says, "I haven't got time for all that."
I said, "You fucking found time yesterday!!.
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Old 02-05-2017
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Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried wiping their arse with an iPad.
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Old 04-05-2017
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A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.

They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

His wife asks, "Where are you going?"

"To the kitchen," he replies.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down, because you know you'll forget it."

He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream -- I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says... "Where's my toast?
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