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  #7841  
Old 08-09-2017
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I was looking at my wife: no teeth in, tits on her belly, hair a mess and smoking a roll up. Then she cocked her leg and let out a massive fart.
"You are a mess and I'm disgusted with you," I said.
"I'm still the woman you love and married," she said. "Sometimes we all let ourselves go a bit."
"We're on our fucking honeymoon," I replied!!..
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  #7842  
Old 08-09-2017
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Went to the pub last night and there was this fat girl dancing on the table. I walked past and said “amazing legs”.
The girl giggled and said “do you think so ?”.
“Definitely” I replied “most tables would have collapsed by now”.🤣
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  #7843  
Old 08-09-2017
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I had 10 texts yesterday asking me for sex.
Usually that would be great but I'd borrowed my wife's phone for the day.
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  #7844  
Old 08-09-2017
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I must be the unluckiest person in the world? I have just found a wage packet outside Morrisons, and the bastards had 4 days off sick!
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  #7845  
Old 08-09-2017
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If you're on the motorway and the person driving in front of you turns on the wipers when it's not raining, it can only mean one thing.
She will be changing lanes.
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  #7846  
Old 08-09-2017
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My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini.
I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car!"
He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year".
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  #7847  
Old 08-09-2017
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Paddy pulls up at the lights next to a lovely young blonde woman
he smiles and lowers his window.
She smiles back and lowers her window,
Paddy leans across and says....
"Have you just farted as well
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  #7848  
Old 08-09-2017
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I accidentally bumped into a cross-eyed woman today...she yelled,"You need to look where you are going"!!!
"Fuck off", says I..."you need to go where you're looking"!!!
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