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  #7897  
Old 14-09-2017
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In an attempt to use sex to encourage me to do some jobs in and around the house, my wife walked up to me and said, "I'll make you a deal. you go outside and cut the hedges, and I'll shave my pussy."
"Don't be fucking stupid" I replied "We can't both use the hedge trimmer at once."
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  #7898  
Old 14-09-2017
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If women are always right, why do they always keep picking the wrong men?...😂
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  #7899  
Old 14-09-2017
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Congrats to all those who got their A levels.
To all those going on to uni to do art or multimedia, just remember one thing. I don't want pickles on my big mac.
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  #7900  
Old 14-09-2017
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At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat.
When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years. They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, "Up or down?"
There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down?"
The woman replied, "Down."
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or down?"
She replied, "Up."
This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "what's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"
She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were 'fuck or drown'."😂
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Old 14-09-2017
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The foreman on a large worksite noticed a new labourer one
day and barked at him "what's your name?"
"John", the new bloke replied.
The Forman scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of
wishy-washy worksite you were on before, but I don't call
anyone by their first name. It's weak and wastes time. I call my
employees by their last name only -Smith, Jones,
Baker - that's all. If I want a job done, I yell, Baker, get this or
Jones, do that!
Now that we have that straight, what's your last name?"
The new bloke sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
The foreman paused briefly for a couple of seconds, then said
quietly, "Ok John, the first thing I want you to do is.....
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  #7902  
Old 14-09-2017
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I came home from work last night and told my wife that I've been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ my own private secretary.
"Well, you'd better hire someone who's a bit old, fat and ugly" she said "I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted to have sex with".
"That's fair enough" I replied "When can you start?" 😁
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Old 15-09-2017
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A vegetarian looked at my burger and said, "you know, a cow died so you could have that burger."
Mid-bite, I looked at his salad and responded,"maybe he died because you keep eating all it's food!"
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  #7904  
Old 15-09-2017
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My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive...Apparently the response of,"Dont worry babe,your tits cover it" wasn't the answer she was looking for!
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