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  #7913  
Old 13-10-2017
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Some Collective Nouns:

A stagger of drunks

A tedium of accountants

A stitch of doctors

A whine of losers

A jerk of politicians

A conflagration of arsonists

A scoop of journalists

A conjunction of grammarians

A clutch of mechanics

A build-up of skyscrapers

A mountain of holes

A body of everybody

A quantity of numbers

My 90-year-old dad was giving a talk at our local library about his World War II experiences. During the question-and-answer period, he was asked, “How did you know the war was over?” He replied, “When they stopped shooting at me.”

“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So, he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humour the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

While volunteering in a soup kitchen, I hit it off with a very attractive single man. It was a relief, since my mother and I always laughed because the men to whom I was drawn were inevitably married. So, optimistic about my chances, I asked my new friend what he did for a living. He replied, “I’m a priest.”

After I-messaging back and forth with my wife, I jokingly commanded Siri to pass along this message: “You need to get back to work now; you have a husband to support.” Here’s what Siri sent: “You need to get back to work now; you have a has-been to support.”
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  #7914  
Old 14-10-2017
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The neighbours had been complaining that my dog had been barking non-stop. I hate the electric zapping bark collars so I purchased a humane citronella collar, that way when the dog barked, it shoots out a blast of citronella under the nose and they don't like it. This particular morning I was getting the collar ready and filled it with the stuff. And that's where my morning should have ended. But no, it's me, and I begin to become curious as to how said collars work.
Now I'm standing on my back step "barking" at my dog's collar. Nothing happens. I make sure it's turned on, check the fill level, and go through the "getting started" check list one more time. Again, I bark. Nothing happens. Now I'm not quite sure, why I had this next thought, but I did; I put on the collar. I seriously extended the band and fit the growl box against my throat and barked. Apparently, the collar only works if it feels vibrations, because I immediately received a blast of citronella to the face.
I began coughing, which only caused the collar to continue to squirt bug spray over and over into my nasal cavity. I'm now on my hands and knees in my back yard, trying to breathe, and to make matters worse, the dog is now barking. So between coughing and yelling at the dog to shut up, I've emptied over a dozen blasts of citronella to my face. During all of this ruckus, I'm trying to undo the clasp of the collar, which has somehow managed to weld shut during this whole fiasco.
I finally get the collar off and threw, yes I threw that crazy (inhumane) thing across the yard, and lay in the grass sucking in the cool morning air. In the middle of thinking this is probably the dumbest thing I've done in a while, I hear laughter. MY NEIGHBOUR SAW THE WHOLE THING! He was laughing so hard he couldn't breathe. Between gasps, he tells me, "I was gonna come help, but every time I started to climb over the fence, you'd set it off again and then I would started laughing and couldn't make it" So now, not only are my eyes red, but my face and ears are too. After checking to make sure I was ok, we parted ways and I went in to shower so I wouldn't be smelling like ode de' Tiki Torch.
So lesson learned: next time (yes, there will always be a next time with me) make sure that 1. Don't fill the collar before trying to set it off and B. Remember your neighbour is not a good source of help in a comedy crisis situation. On the plus side, I didn't have a mosquito problem for a few days!.....and now that even though this does sound like something I'd do...
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  #7915  
Old 21-10-2017
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Seen on the door of a repair shop: WE CAN FIX ANYTHING. (Please knock on the door—the bell doesn’t work.)

What do you get from a pampered cow? …Spoiled milk.

If you arrest a mime, do you still have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?

The meek shall inherit the earth … if it’s okay with the rest of you.

Employee of the Month is a good example of when a person can be a winner and a loser at the same time.

In honour of British humourist P. G. Wodehouse’s 128th birthday, a few choice quips from his books:

He looked as if he had been poured into his clothes and had forgotten to say ‘when.’

Golf, like measles, should be caught young.

She had a penetrating sort of laugh. Rather like a train going into a tunnel.

You look white and shaken, like a dry martini.

I got mugged by a magician. It’s not funny: He took my wallet, my watch, and every silver dollar I had behind my ear.

I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.

A sign outside a nursery: "It’s spring! We’re so excited, we wet our plants!"

I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

The unsaid part of "This is fascinating!" is "to me."

The nice thing about meditation is that it makes doing nothing quite respectable.

I don’t want to die doing something I love. I want to die doing something I hate. That way I don’t have to finish it.

I was diagnosed with antisocial behaviour disorder, so I joined a support group. We never meet.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
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  #7916  
Old 22-10-2017
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Be Professional..
No matter.

Fully Nude British Lady gets into taxi, Gujrati Driver looks at her top to bottom repeatedly..

British Lady asks,
"Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

Gujju Driver: "It's not that, I'm just wondering where have you kept the money to pay me."

MORAL:

Be Gujarati!
Concentrate on your Business, no matter what happens.

Be professional..!!
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  #7917  
Old 23-10-2017
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At Hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP20 and a red one labelled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them? ;
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought.
Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom,it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."
"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your Balls are under your pillow.."
MEN NEVER LISTEN
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  #7918  
Old 23-10-2017
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A recently deceased man is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blond mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.
She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the Blond mortician a blank check and says,
'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake.
To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied..
You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blond mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing.
You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.
I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads
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  #7919  
Old 27-10-2017
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I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I liked it.

RIP boiled water. You will be mist.

If you want a job in the moisturiser industry, the best advice I can give you is to apply daily.

What do you get hanging off banana trees? Sore arms.

I hate perforated lines, they're tearable.

A man tried to sell me a coffin today... I told him that's the last thing I need.

I was in an 80s band called The Prevention. We were better than The Cure…

If you ever need to hide a dead body, you should place it on the second page of Google search results.

Why was the electrician always angry? Because he had a short fuse

A friend claims his dog can retrieve a stick from 5 miles away. Sounds a bit far-fetched to me.

When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo I had to put my foot down.

Did you hear about the runner who was criticized? He just took it in stride

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.... Then it's a soap opera.

The rotation of earth really makes my day.

Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? I don’t know, they just seem a bit shady.

Anything is gluten free if you just don't eat it.

You know what they say about cliff-hangers...

Want to hear a joke about construction? Nah, I’d better not; I'm still working on it.

I thought about going on an all-almond diet.... But that's just nuts.

You can't run through a camp site. You can only ran, because it's past tents.

My Czech mate is surprisingly bad at chess.

Archaeology really is a career in ruins...

And how long does it have to be before it’s considered archaeology instead of grave robbing?
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  #7920  
Old 27-10-2017
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One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.
The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." The teacher looked a little shocked.
After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
"Well," Johnny replied,
"Don't f*** with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
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