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  #8020  
Old 25-09-2018
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"When you see the writing on the wall.... you can bet you're in a public restroom."

"I believe you should live each day as if it were your last, which is why I never have any clean clothes. Because, come on, who wants to do laundry on the last day of their lives?"

Two fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says to them, "Get out! We don't serve your type here."

Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. Skilfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes himself a large portion of noodles into his bowl, then tops it off with some chicken and cashew nuts. All this is done with consummate ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master.

Poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chopsticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself.

Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, "Use the FORKS, Luke."

I was recently born again. It was a deeply spiritual and glorious experience. I can't say my mother enjoyed it a whole lot.

My girlfriend had a terrible time of it. First, she got tonsillitis, then appendicitis and pneumonia. After that they gave her hypodermics and inoculations. I thought she would never win that spelling bee.

Nobody believes the official spokesman... but everybody trusts an unidentified source.

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.

"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.

"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.

"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook...."

Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?"

A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother."
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  #8021  
Old 25-09-2018
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"Cash, cheque or card?" the cashier asked. As the woman looked for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the worst thing I could do to him."



A Public servant dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the Angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologises for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand and says 'Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you. Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the Public servant sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says 'Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive.'

'Congratulations for what?' says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. 'We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!'

The Public servant is awe-struck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth agape. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says, 'Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty.' 'That's simply impossible son,' says Saint Peter. 'We've added up your time sheets......'

A farmer goes into a farm supply store and orders two hundred chicks, explaining to the owner that he wants to start a chicken farm. Two weeks later, he returns to the store and buys another two hundred chicks.

The owner is curious but doesn't say anything. The same thing happens when the farmer returns in another two weeks for another two hundred chicks.

When he returns for the fourth time, the owner's curiosity is too much for him, so he asks the farmer why he keeps coming back for so many chicks. The farmer says, "Well, I guess I must be doing something wrong, but I don't know what. I think I'm either planting them too deep or too close together."


"How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue ... and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?"
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  #8022  
Old 13-10-2018
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On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery, so he slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me...'

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk. When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord!

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...'

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away, and the boys kept their promise.

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their row boat.

After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'

Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.

'Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more.'

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.

Again, Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?'

Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest.

So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears.

Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath

'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'

'Aye 'tis,

NOW hand me dat shovel.'

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

He didn't want to marry her for her money, but he didn't know how else to get it.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

chicken
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  #8023  
Old 4 Weeks Ago
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I MIGHT WAKE UP EARLY

AND GO RUNNING, I ALSO MIGHT

WAKE UP AND WIN THE LOTTERY…

THE ODD`S ARE ABOUT THE SAME.





I was standing at the bar at the RSL one night, minding my own business.

cid:165d42ff75d4cff311

This quite hefty, very plain looking woman came up behind me, grabbed my arse and said, "You are very cute. Do you have a phone number?"

I said, "Yes, do you have a pen?"

She said, "Yes, I’ve got a pen".

cid:165d42ff75d5b16b22

I said, "Then you better get back into it before the farmer misses you."

Cost me 6 stitches...but,

When you're over seventy five...............who cares?

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I went to the chemist and told the girl behind the counter, "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

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Lady assistant: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

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I said "No... She's pretty good looking....."

When you're over seventy five.............who cares?



***********

I was talking to a young woman in the RSL last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there, instead of you."

cid:165d42ff7639374b66

Cost me a fat lip, but...

When you're over seventy five..............who cares?



**********

I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born, just by feeling her breasts.

"Really" she said, "Go on then... Try."

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After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."

It cost me a kick in the nuts, but...

cid:165d42ff764afa3b88

When you're over seventy five...............who cares?





I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.

The attendant shouted at me so loudly, through a loud hailer - I nearly fell in.

cid:165d42ff764bdbb399

When you're over seventy five...............who cares?



I went to our RSL last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.

I said, "Good legs."

cid:165d42ff7641f3c04fa

The woman giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Cost me 6 more stitches, but...

cid:165d42ff764201d7d0b

When you're over seventy five..............who cares?
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  #8024  
Old 4 Weeks Ago
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On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So, God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?" And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years"
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front verandah and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.


At Melbourne'sTullamarine Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a high school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At the press conference the Attorney-General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the AFP with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,” the Attorney-General said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked, a commentator said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes".

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that rotten cat on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
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  #8025  
Old 2 Weeks Ago
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>
>
> A blonde city girl named Amy marries a
> Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows,
> the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to
> impregnate one of our cows, so I drove a nail into the 2x4 just above
> where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is
> when he gets here, OK?" The rancher leaves for the fields. After a
> while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front
> door. “I came to inseminate the cow,” he said. Amy takes him down
> to the barn. They walk along the row of cows, and when Amy sees the
> nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here." The man, assuming
> he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, "Tell me, lady, 'cause I'm
> dying to know. How would YOU know that this is the right cow to be
> bred?" "That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its
> stall," she explains very confidently.
>
> Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the
> nail for?"

> The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her
> shoulder, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on,” she replied.
>
> (It's nice to see a blonde winning...once in awhile.)
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