How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

This man walks into the patent office, places an apple on the desk and says, "I want to patent this apple."

The patent officer informs him that he can't get a patent on an apple. The gent says, "Taste it."

The officer tastes it and with mild surprise states, "It tastes like an orange. Unfortunately, it still can't be patented."

Not willing to give up yet, the man asks him to flip it over and taste the other side. The patent officer turns it around and takes a bite out of the other side.

Slightly more surprised he exclaims, "It tastes like a lemon. But I'm sorry, it's just not original enough. Maybe if it tasted like p***y...."
So the man walks out somewhat dejected.

About the same time the next year he walks in to the patent office again and sets another apple on the desk. He exclaims, "I did it! Taste this apple."

The patent officer takes a bite out of the apple and immediately spits it out screaming, "This apple tastes like crap!"

The inventor says, "Now, flip it over!!!!."

[layback40]

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students.

Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love." the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With you!" he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a protection!"

[layback40]

There was a farmer who had a horse for over 10 years. Since the farmer got the horse he had been trying to get the horse to laugh. He had no such luck.

He put up a sign that read:

$25,000 reward to anyone who can make my horse laugh.

Crowds and crowds of people rushed in. Day after day, month after month, people came and went. No one could get the horse to laugh.

After a long time, the farmer had given up hope, when one day a young man strolled in casually and asked to have a shot. The farmer apathetically let him try.

The man walked up to the horse, whispered in the horses ear. The horse started cracking up laughing his ass off.

Shocked, the farmer rushed over and asked him what he had done. The young man simply asked for the reward and left.

Weeks had gone by and the horse had still been laughing. In fact, the horse did not stop laughing since that day and the farmer was getting very irritated.

He offered another $25,000 reward to anyone who could get the horse to stop laughing. Again people showed up to no avail.

Again, after the crowds had come and gone, the young man strolled by and walked into the barn.

After about 10 seconds, the horse suddenly stopped laughing.

In amazement, the farmer gave him the reward but begged the young man, "Sir, what did you do?

How did you get the horse to laugh and then stop? Please tell me."

The young man's reply, "I got the horse to laugh by telling him that my 'thing' was bigger than his."

"And to make him stop laughing?"

"I showed him."

[layback40]

Three nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for.

Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor.

The first nurse said, "I put cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn't hear.

The second nurse said, "Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all his condoms.

The third nurse fainted.

[layback40]

The Wall Of Life

A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away.

At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the service the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

[layback40]

Three Elderly Ladies

One afternoon three elderly ladies were sitting around a table enjoying tea.

One woman said to the others "you know, sometimes I find myself in front of the fridge with a jar of mayonaise in my hand, and can't remember if I am supposed to put it away or make a sandwich"

Another woman chimed in saying "you know, I have the same problem.... sometimes I find myself at the stairway landing and can't remember if I'm going up or coming down".

The third woman proclaimed "well, I'm glad I don't have your problems - knock on wood" as she rapped her knuckles on the table three times and said "oh!, that must be the door, I'll get it!"

[layback40]

Wife asks her blonde husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

Short time later the husband walks in with 6 cartons of milk.

Wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs.