How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

THE EX-NAVY WINE TASTER



At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A retired Chief Petty Officer, drunk and with a ragged dirty look, came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away.

They gave him a glass of wine to taste.

The old Chief tried it and said, "It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable."

"That's correct," said the boss. "Another glass, please. After tasting the wine, the Chief declared, " a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels,
matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."

"Absolutely correct. A third glass."

''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' said the drunk calmly.

The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.

The old Navy Chief tried it.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."

[layback40]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a ********** count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

"Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

[Von Depner]

There was a German, an Italian and a Aussie on death row.The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:
1. to be shot
2. to be hung
3. to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.
Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap! He was dead.
Then it was the Aussies turn , and he said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff."
They gave him the shot, and the Aussie fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy
Then the Aussies said, "Give me another one of those shots,"so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.
Finally the warden said, "What's wrong with you Aussies ?"
The Aussies replied , "You guys are so stupid..... I'm wearing a condom."

[layback40]

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.

The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it’s still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night at dinner, she does just that.

About a week later she`s back at the doctor, where she says, “Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn’t five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off and ravaged me right there on the table!”

The doctor says, “I`m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.”

“Nah,” she says, “that`s okay. We’re never going back to that restaurant anyway.”

[layback40]

I planted some bird seed.
A bird came up.
Now I don't know what to feed it

********************
I had amnesia once---or twice
********************


I went to San Francisco .
I found someone's heart. Now what?
********************
Protons have mass?
I didn't even know they were Catholic.
********************
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
********************
If the world were a logical place,
men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.
********************
What is a "free" gift?
Aren't all gifts free?
********************
They told me I was gullible
and I believed them.
********************
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home
and, when he grows up,
he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
********************
Experience is the thing you have left
when everything else is gone.
********************
One nice thing about egotists:
they don't talk about other people.
********************
My weight is perfect for my height--
which varies.
********************
I used to be indecisive.
Now I'm not so sure.
********************
How can there be self-help "groups?"
********************
If swimming is so good for your figure,
how do you explain whales?
********************
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground,
and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
********************
Is it me --or
do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
********************

[layback40]

The other day I bumped into the

‘Legendary Entertainer’

Rolf Harris.



I was so excited I said to him,

"I remember you doing Two Little Boys in 1970".

He said ....



“fu@k off!... That was Gary Glitter.”

[layback40]

Forget Newton and Galileo.

Here are the real laws of nature:

1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose begins to itch and you will need to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, rolls to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability- The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5.Supermarket Law - As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.



7.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine will not work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.. Law of the Theatre.- At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your spouse will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument- Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy -As soon as you find a product that you really like, they stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law- If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.