How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child.
The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child.
It went like this:
"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"
One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook???"

[layback40]

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, David?"
"Well, ma'am, I just saw one of your garters."
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks,
"What's so funny, Billy?"
"Well, ma'am, I just saw both of your garters."
Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.
"Heck, from what I just saw, my school days are over."

[layback40]

An Indian man dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.“Yes, how can I help?” asks St Peter.“I’m here to meet Jesus,” says the Indian man.St Peter looks over his shoulder and shouts, “Jesus, your cab is here!”

[layback40]

New research has suggested that 1 in 3 men are too fat to see their own penis.That's quite a good statistic, bearing in mind 9 out of 10 fat women never see one either..

[layback40]

A man and a woman had been married for ten years and decided to try and have kids. They had not been using birth control for the entire time they had been married, so they thought they may have a problem conceiving.
The woman decided to go to the gynecologist and see if the problem was with her. She had been hard of hearing since she was little. The doctor examined her and came in to give her the conclusions.
He said, "I'm sorry, but the problem is with you. You have insufficient passion and if you ever have a baby it will be a miracle."
The woman was very upset and went home crying. Her husband got home and asked her what was wrong.
She said, "The doctor told me I've got a fish up my passage and if I ever have a baby it will be a mackerel."

[layback40]

A man goes to Frederick's of Hollywood.
He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit.
"This is $200," she says.
"I want one that's more sheer," says he.
"This one is $350."
"I want it even more sheer than that."
"This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500."
"I'll take it!"
The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me."
His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not."
So his wife comes down, wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose.
"So, how do you like it?" she says.
"Fuck, you'd think for $500, they'd at least iron the damn thing!"

[Banshee]

My son asked me what an appendix is the other night. I replied that it was a small organ attached to the small/large intestine that could become inflamed & swell up then basically explode & kill you via the infection called peritonitis. he considered this & commented that it would be amusing to play Counterstrike as anti-terrorists & call the mission to defuse the bomb, "Operation Appendix".

After a brief moment, I said, "You could also run an op to eliminate both current US presidential candidates. It would be 'Operation Tonsils', as they don't do much, are both irritating, prone to inflammation, causing us great pain & fundamentally useless."

He laughed. Probably because I said it with a straight face & it's all true...