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  #964  
Old 17-06-2013
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A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'


'So I just switched the heads.'


(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)
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  #965  
Old 17-06-2013
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After every flight, QANTAS pilots fill out a form, known as a 'gripe sheet' to tell mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics fix the problem, and then document their repairs on the form.

Here are some actual maintenance problems submitted by the pilots (marked with a 'P') and the solutions recorded (marked by an 'S') by maintenance engineers, who by the way have a sense of humour:

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Left inside main tyre almost replaced.

P: Test flight OK, auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back order.

P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Can't reproduce problem on the ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspect crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed in cockpit.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
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  #966  
Old 17-06-2013
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Quote:
Originally Posted by layback40 View Post
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
Wow. They never had Identify Friend Foe systems when I worked avionics there up to 10 years ago. The airline wars must be really heating up!

---------

So a baby harp seal goes into a bar & says, "Can I get a Canadian Club on the rocks?"
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Last edited by Banshee; 17-06-2013 at 04:27 PM.
  #967  
Old 18-06-2013
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After a meeting I was coming out of a hotel and I was looking for my car keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room… it wasn’t there.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. My husband has shouted many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is, the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen. Immediately I rushed to the parking lot, I came to a terrifying conclusion.

His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, car number and description of the place where I parked etc. I equally confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, to my husband!!! “Honey,” I stammered; I always call him “honey” in times like this.
“I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.
“Idiot”, he shouted, “I dropped you at the hotel !”

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”

He shouted again, “I will, as soon as I manage to convince this policeman that I have not stolen your car.”!!
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  #968  
Old 18-06-2013
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Fred came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Fred.'
Fred was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I have too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back and that is as a chicken.'
Fred was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Fred the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never,' said Fred.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....
"Fred, wake up! You just shit the bed!"
Getting OLD just ain't what they said it would be!

It hasn't happened to me yet but damn I'm getting old... Better watch out!
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  #969  
Old 19-06-2013
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A man kills a deer and takes it home for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they wont tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates so they begged their dad for a clue.

Well the father said "its what mummy calls me sometimes"

The little girl screams in horror and shrieks "DONT EAT IT .... ITS A FCUKING ASSHOLE"
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  #970  
Old 19-06-2013
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30 TO GO!!!
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  #971  
Old 19-06-2013
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Originally Posted by bruggz351 View Post
30 TO GO!!!
TOUGH!
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  #972  
Old 19-06-2013
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TOUGH!

call me blonde, but, I don't get it???

I meant 30 to go to reach 1000 posts...... for the thread
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