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  #154  
Old 08-03-2012
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A Muslim at the Pearly Gates
A Muslim dies, and by some error in handling ends up in heaven.

He`s stopped at the Pearly Gates by St-Peter who says sorry, but we don`t allow Muslims into Heaven.

What? replies the Muslim, and why not?

Well, we just don`t .......

The Muslim complains and carries on until St-Peter gets fed up.

Well, says St-Peter--have you ever done anything good in your life?
Ummm--the Muslim replies. Yes, the other day a lady stopped me on the street collecting for a children`s charity so I gave her ten quid. Last week I donated ten quid to the Cancer Society and a couple of weeks ago a tramp asked me if I could spare any money so I gave him ten quid also.

Alright then says St-Peter--wait here and I'll have a quick word with God.
Five minutes later St-Peter returns and says to the Muslim.

Listen, I`ve spoken with God and he agrees with me---
Here`s your 30 quid back, now ******** off
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  #155  
Old 09-03-2012
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Took me over an hour to calm my dog down yesterday. He was convinced that the newly installed parking meters in town were pay toilets.
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  #156  
Old 11-03-2012
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High Urinals

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.


When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.


Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.


As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'
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  #157  
Old 13-03-2012
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A devout Muslim enters a taxi in Sydney, once seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio, because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion, because in the time of the prophet there was no music allowed, especially Western music which is the music of the infidels ........

So the cab driver switches off the radio, stops the cab, gets out, and opens the back door.

The Arab asks him: What are you doing, man?

The cab driver answers: In the time of the prophet there were no taxis either, so get out and wait for a damn camel.
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  #158  
Old 13-03-2012
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Hypnotist

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Centre.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance;

I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch.

It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Centre.

Claude was never invited back.
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  #159  
Old 18-03-2012
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To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With
Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer
At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. On all your cheque stubs, write ' For Marijuana'

3. Skip down the street Rather Than Walk and see how many looks

you get.

4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat,with a serious face.

5. Sing Along At The Opera.

6. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

7. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling 'Run

For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

8. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy,
We are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER

AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
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  #160  
Old 20-03-2012
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Ever wondered what the difference between Grannies and Grandads is?


5 year old granddaughter is usually taken to school, daily, by her grandfather.

When he had a bad cold his wife took the grandchild.

That night she told her parents that the ride to school with granny was very different!!

"What made it different?" asked her parents:

"Gran and I didn't see a single tosser, blind b@st@rd, d!ck-head, As!an p!ck or w@nker anywhere on the way to school today!'
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  #161  
Old 21-03-2012
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A Soldier’s Wife Confesses
This came from a

Soldier’s wife. It says it all:
I sat, as did millions of other Australians, and watched as the government
Underwent a peaceful transition of power twelve months ago.
At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism while
Julia Gillard took her oath of office .
However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched 21 SAS Soldiers
In full dress uniform with rifles,
Fire a 21-gun salute to the Prime Minister.
It was then that I realized how far Australia's military had deteriorated..
Every one of them missed the bitch.
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  #162  
Old 21-03-2012
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After a busy day, I was settling down in my seat of the train at Central.
I'd hoped to fit in a short power-nap until at least I'd reached my destination at Hornsby.

However, the chap sitting next to me hauled out his mobile and started up.
"Hi darling it's Peter, I'm on the train.

Yes, I know it's the 6:30 and not the 4:30, but darling I had a long meeting.
No, not with that floozie from the typing pool, with the Boss.
No darling you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart",, etc, etc.....

This was still going on half an hour later when we reached Chatswood.

The young woman opposite was driven beyond endurance and yelled at the top of her voice:
"Hey, Peter, turn that bloody phone off and come back to bed!"
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