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  #37  
Old 11-02-2012
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A plane load of people is on its way down to crash.
Some a screeming, some a crying, some are praying.

All of a sudden, a young vivacious woman jumps up and yells, "If I'm going to day, somebody make me feel like a woman one last time!"

Silence.

A strapping young Aussie in the back stands up and says "OK!"

Real silence now.

He unbuttons his shirt, revealing a very muscular hairy chest, takes it off, goes up to the woman, hands her the shirt, and tells her to wash it and get him a beer.
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Old 11-02-2012
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Part of Quanta's recent settlement with the Unions was hiring handicapped people. So the other day at Mascot, as passengers on a 767 were waiting for the flight to leave, the entrance opened, and two men walked up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms and both wearing dark glasses. One pilot was using a seeing-eye dog, and the other was tapping his way up the aisle with a white cane.
Nervous laughter spread throughout the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming!
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
Up front in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die!
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  #39  
Old 11-02-2012
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Woah!!! Layback's on fire..

Keep up the good work man...
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Old 11-02-2012
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A bloke goes to the chemist and spots this top sort behind the counter, he gets a pack of condoms and walks to the counter and asks her if she can help him try them on. she replies with a wink, "what's in it for me?"
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Old 11-02-2012
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My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I out rank you. Tray-up, Bitch."
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Old 11-02-2012
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A blonde was admitted to hospital today after having phone sex. Doctors managed to remove 2 Nokias, 3 Motorolas and one Samsung, but no Siemen was found !
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Old 11-02-2012
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Why do girls have legs?

Have you seen the mess snails make?
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Old 11-02-2012
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bruggz351 View Post
Woah!!! Layback's on fire..

Keep up the good work man...
Any one wanting to get on my email forward list should PM me their email addy before this thread gets deleted!!

Little Johnny! (Bless the little b*stard)

"Class, today's assignment is to spell and
use the word 'DOUGH' in a sentence."


[]
[]"Jane, you go first..."…..Dough, D O U G H …..[]…….Italians

make pizza with dough."

Very good, Jane... Now let's hear from Mary.[]"Dough, D O U G H

…….. …. My brother makes things with play dough."

[]
"Yes, Johnny, do you have something constructive to add?"

“My mom says my dad doesn't make enough dough,
and he's bl o o dy hopeless in bed,
so she uses a dill dough!"
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Old 11-02-2012
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^^LOL^^


An Australian, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. It was a man. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.

They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out "My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!" The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman call out, "Hey!, you!!! Are you Jesus?" The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus" he says. The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me." So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table. Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.

The Englishman then calls out, "Errr, excuse me Sir, but would you be Jesus?" Jesus smiles and says, "Yes, I am Jesus." The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.

Then the Australian calls out, "Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus,or what?" Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus." The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a stubbie of Victoria Bitter for Jesus, which he accepts with pleasure.

Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement."Oh God, the arthritis is gone," he says. "The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. "By jove", he exclaims, " The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face.

The Aussie whispers ... "F*** off mate, I'm on Workers Comp"
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