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  #33  
Old 11-02-2012
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In QLD there is a story that shows what a great country this is. At a rodeo, we had a horrible accident. There was a fireworks accident that killed a cowboy. After the explosion, all that was left was a cowboy hat and a horse's ass. Damned if today it isn't .....................
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Old 11-02-2012
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Oscar drove his brand new jeep to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman.

Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing.

Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new jeep!"

"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"

"No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"
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Old 11-02-2012
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A fellow bought a new V8 hemi jeep and was out on an back road for a nice evening drive. The windows were down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 120kph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a V8 hemi," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 150, 160 170 and finally 190 with the lights still behind him.

"What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice night", said the officer
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  #36  
Old 11-02-2012
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Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place of great balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large landmass in the bottom corner and asked, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's Australia, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from Australuia are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable cricketers who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed; "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the ******* I'm putting on the island next to them...."
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Old 11-02-2012
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A plane load of people is on its way down to crash.
Some a screeming, some a crying, some are praying.

All of a sudden, a young vivacious woman jumps up and yells, "If I'm going to day, somebody make me feel like a woman one last time!"

Silence.

A strapping young Aussie in the back stands up and says "OK!"

Real silence now.

He unbuttons his shirt, revealing a very muscular hairy chest, takes it off, goes up to the woman, hands her the shirt, and tells her to wash it and get him a beer.
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  #38  
Old 11-02-2012
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Part of Quanta's recent settlement with the Unions was hiring handicapped people. So the other day at Mascot, as passengers on a 767 were waiting for the flight to leave, the entrance opened, and two men walked up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms and both wearing dark glasses. One pilot was using a seeing-eye dog, and the other was tapping his way up the aisle with a white cane.
Nervous laughter spread throughout the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming!
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
Up front in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die!
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  #39  
Old 11-02-2012
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Woah!!! Layback's on fire..

Keep up the good work man...
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A bloke goes to the chemist and spots this top sort behind the counter, he gets a pack of condoms and walks to the counter and asks her if she can help him try them on. she replies with a wink, "what's in it for me?"
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