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  #4564  
Old 06-08-2015
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An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nicely with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some orange and lime trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and check it out as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him 'we are not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.. '
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Some old men can still think fast!!..
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  #4565  
Old 07-08-2015
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Q: What do ghosts eat for supper? A: Spooketi

Q: What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house? A: Hope it’s Halloween!!

Q: What is the most important subject a witch learns in school? A: Spelling.

Q: Why didn’t the skeleton want to go to school? A: His heart wasn’t in it.

Q: Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road? A: He didn’t have any guts!

Q: Why did the skeleton cross the road? A: To get to the body shop.

Q: Why didn’t the skeleton go to the ball? A: Because he had no BODY to go with.

Q: What do you call a fat pumpkin? A: A plumpkin.

Q: What room does a ghost not need? A: A living room!

Q: Why are ghosts so bad at lying? A: Because you can see right through them!

Q: What do ghosts use to wash their hair? A: Shamboo!

Q: What do you get when you cross a witch with sand? A: A sandwich!



"The inherent downside in a life of pursuing women is the possibility of inadvertently catching one."

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once" said one "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish."


The Benefits of Walking.

Walking can add minutes to your life.

This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
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Last edited by layback40; 07-08-2015 at 11:19 AM.
  #4566  
Old 07-08-2015
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Sad News From Disney
This is so disappointing. CNN reported today that Walt Disney's new film called "Jet Black," the African-American version of "Snow White" has been cancelled.
All of the 7 dwarfs: Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Forger, Drive By, Homeboy, and Shank have refused to sing "Hi Ho, Hi Ho" because they say it offends black prostitutes.
They also say there ain’t no way in hell they’re gonna sing "It's off to work we go."
Sounds like Adam Goode got a job there!
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  #4567  
Old 07-08-2015
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I was having a shit in the train toilet today, when some guy knocked on the door.
He said, “Can I see your ticket please?”
“Not right now” I shouted, “I’m having a shit!”
He said, “I don’t believe you, can you pass it under the door?”
“No problem,” I said, sliding it under. “The yellow bits are sweetcorn.”
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  #4568  
Old 07-08-2015
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I've just watched Emmerdale and I think the scriptwriters have completely lost the plot! Chrissey is upset at her husbands homosexual affair and sets fire to his car, which ignites a gas canister which explodes and shoots 12000 feet in the air, hitting a passing helicopter which then crashes onto the village hall where everyone is gathered for a wedding, fatally wounding Ruby with a rotor blade!
Talk about far fetched! A lesbian would never get penetrated by a big chopper!!..
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  #4569  
Old 07-08-2015
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A guy finds his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in its mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house. He gives it a bath, blow dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"
The guy stammers and says, "Um... no... what happened?"
The neighbor replies, "We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!
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  #4570  
Old 07-08-2015
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My wife just had one of those near death experiences,it really shook her up.....silly cow thought she could hoover while the football was on....
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  #4571  
Old 07-08-2015
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A priest was called away for an emergency.
Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.
The rabbi told him he wouldn’t know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he’d stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.
The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. After a few minutes a woman comes in and says “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”
The priest asks “What did you do?”.
The woman says “I committed adultery.”
Priest: “How many times?” Woman: “Three times.”
Priest: “Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.”
A few minutes later a man enters the confessional.
He says “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”
Priest: “What did you do?”
Man: “I committed adultery.”
Priest:”How many times?”
Man: “Three times.”
Priest: “Say two Hail Mary’s put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.”
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he’s got it so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later another woman enters and says “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”
Rabbi: “What did you do?”
Woman: “I committed adultery.”
Rabbi: “How many times?” Woman: “Once.”
Rabbi:
“GO DO IT TWO MORE TIMES …
WE HAVE A SPECIAL OFFER THIS WEEK .. THREE FOR $5.
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  #4572  
Old 07-08-2015
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A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.
Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "He's probably down at the bar with his friends."
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