How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

One day in class, the teacher brought a bag full of fruit and said, "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit and you tell me which fruit I'm talking about.

Alright, the first one is round, plump, and red. Little Johnny raised his hand high but the teacher ignored him and picked Deborah who promptly answered, "Apple."

The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking.

Now the second one is soft, fuzzy and colored red and brown."

Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him but she calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, it's a potato, but I like your thinking," the teacher replies.

"Okay the next one is long, yellow, and fairly hard." Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically but the teacher calls on Sally who say, "A banana."

The teacher responds, "No, it's a squash, but I like your thinking."

Johnny is irritated now so he speaks up loudly, "Hey, I've got one for you teacher.

Let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it. It's round, hard, and it's got a head on it."

"Johnny!" she cries, "That's disgusting!"

"Nope," answers Johnny, "It's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

[layback40]

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. “Actually, no,” the man replies.

“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

“Can’t,” breathes the bartender. “He’s not here. Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lips and slowly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“What should I tell him?” the bartender manages to say.

“Tell him,” she whispers, “there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.”

[layback40]

Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.

After his mistress found the ring in his trouser pocket and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your mistress find out you're married.

2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your d*ck

3) Or finding out your d*ck fits through your wedding ring

[layback40]

A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party.

Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replies the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills.

When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.

[layback40]

An old woman is sitting in a rocking chair on her porch, petting her cat Foo Foo.

A fairy appears and says, "I'm here to grant you three wishes."

The old woman says, "I wish I was twenty years old and beautiful again." Poof! She is.

"Now I wish I had a million dollars and this old house was a mansion." Poof! Done. "

And now I wish that Foo Foo was the handsomest man ever and deeply in love with me." Poof!

Suddenly she's in the arms of a gorgeous man.

He kisses her and says, "Darling, aren't you sorry you had me fixed?"

[layback40]

A bin man is doing his rounds and notices one house in the street that doesn't have a wheelie-bin outside.
So he goes to the door and knocks. After a few minutes, an old Chinese man comes to the door.
"Where's your bin?" the bin man asks.
"I bin upstairs," the Chinese man replies.
"No! Where's your dustbin?" he says.
"I dust bin upstairs havin' a shit," the guy says.
"NO! WHERE'S YOUR wheelie-BIN?" he continues.
The old man thinks for a minute then says:
"Okay, you got me, I've wheelie bin having a wank."

[layback40]

A very large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin.

She raised her right arm, revealing a Huge, Hairy, Sweaty Armpit, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, ’What man here will buy a lady a drink..?’

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed ’Give the ballerina a drink!’

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same Hairy Sweaty, Armpit, and asked, ’What man here will buy a lady a drink..?’

Once again, the same drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, ’Give the ballerina another drink..!’

The bartender approached the little drunk and said ’Tell me, George, it’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a Ballerina..?’

The drunk replied, ’Any woman who can lift her leg that f*ckin high has got to be a Ballerina..!