How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away."
"We can't drive."
"Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a used car here we'd get screwed ..so we're just waiting."

[layback40]

A guy thought his wife was cheating on him.So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse.
The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $ 100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?".
The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in.
A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this woman out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab.
The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!"
The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE".
The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!".

[layback40]

Iv'e heard recently that Viagra is now avalilable in powder form,for use in your tea...It doesn't improve your sexual performance,but it does stop your biscuit from going f##kin soft!!

[WhiteMeat]

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces. These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
6. Their favorite movie is "BROKE BACK MOUNTAIN."
7. They're voting for Hilary Clinton in the next election

We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.

[rustynuts]

I have been suspecting my wife has been having an affair. She has been guarding her phone and has been going out three to four nights a week and coming home late around eleven. I hear a little commotion and gigling as she arrives home just before I hear a car take off.
I decided to wait outside for her the other night to spring her with her new partner. I went out front and hid behind my old Jeep. While I was waiting I noticed a little oil under the engine.
Do you think I can fix it myself or do I have to take it to a mechanic?

[WhiteMeat]

One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.

"This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.”

Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry-on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords. It crossed his mind that if the Pope got stuck, He’d ask me for assistance."

Almost as if providence struck, the Pope turned to the man and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'? The three Cardinals behind, in front of and beside him shrunk down in their seats, as far as possible, all looking for something on the floor.

The man was in morbid shock. He couldn’t breathe. He went within himself, thought deeper, longer for a plausible answer and after almost a minute, the dark clouds of evil parted in his mind and the sun shone in !

Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said, with reverence and politeness, "I believe, Your Greatness, that you're looking for the word, 'aunt'…"

"Of course," the Pope mused, not taking his gaze off the cross-word, "You wouldn’t have an eraser, would you?…"

[layback40]

Penis transplants are nothing new... changing useless pricks has been going on for centuries.......
It's called an election.......