How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

Lady's dishwasher breaks down, so she calls a repairman. She has to go out so tells him, "Don't worry about my bulldog, he won't bother you, but whatever you do, don't under any circumstances, talk to my parrot!" The man starts work, wary of the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he's ever seen, but it just lays there watching him work. The parrot however, drives him nuts, yelling & cursing. Finally, the man snaps & yells, "Shut the f##k up, ya annoyin' bastard!" Parrot replies,
"GET HIM SPIKE!!"

[layback40]

A priest and a nun are on their way back from the seminary when their car breaks down.
The garage doesn't open until morning so they have to spend the night in a B&B. It only has one room available.
The priest says: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room. I'll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed."
"I think that would be fine," agrees the nun. They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep.
Ten minutes pass, and the nun says: "Father, I'm very cold."
"OK," says the priest, "I'll get a blanket from the cupboard."
Another ten minutes pass and the nun says again: "Father, I'm still terribly cold."
The priest says: "Don't worry, I'll get up and fetch you another blanket."
Another ten minutes pass, then the nun murmurs softly: "Father I'm still very cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for a night."
"You're right," says the priest. "Get your own blankets!!..

[layback40]

I was driving to work this morning when the police pulled me over and asked me what have you got in your boot ? i replied a sock and 5 toes

[layback40]

We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without any clothes.

[layback40]

Three drunk guys get into a taxi.
The driver knew they were drunk. He turned the engine on and quickly turned it back off. He said "We've arrived."
The 1st drunk pays the driver, the 2nd drunk thanked him, and the 3rd drunk slapped him. He thought the 3rd drunk knew what he did, but he asked anyway "What was that for?"
"CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME! You nearly killed us!"

[layback40]

Irish Hooker An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman lurking in the shadows. "Twenty Euros," she whispers. Paddy had never had a hooker before, but decides -- What the hell, it's only twenty Euros. He takes up her offer and they hide in the bushes. They've going at it for a couple of minutes, when, all of a sudden, a light flashes on them. It's a police officer! "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer. "I'm making love to me wife," the Irishman answers sounding annoyed. "Oh, I'm so sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know. "Well, neither did I," said Paddy, "til ya shined dat light in her face!!”

[layback40]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"