How tuff are Aussie blokes?

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My Muslim friend must be really, really drunk bless him.

He's just ripped open his jacket and started counting down from ten....

It's not even midnight yet.

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A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread,
One of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder,
"Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.
Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip,
She yells at the elderly man,
"Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," he stammers, "But it's quivering a little."

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Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt really guilty. No matter how much he tried, the sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an reassuring internal voice say, "Don't worry, Dave. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with a patient and you won't be the last. Plus you're single. Just let it go."

But, invariably, the other voice would bring him back to reality by whispering, "Dave, you're a f@rking vet."

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Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog.
They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes. He told them that they could have 3 wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine. Mr. Bear could not believe it and Complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.
The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!!..

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I am not a fan of facebook as it seems to be a platform for making me feel shit about my life. I am sure everyone lies about their wonderful lives on it. So, here is my interpretation of what is really being said on Facebook…..
Wow..suitcase packed off on our lovely hols with my amazing husband and wonderful children
( I am shattered from being up all night packing for these lazy bastards….I want to drink wine already and its only 4am and we are not even at the airport yet)
Just cooked a lovely tea ( insert picture), can’t wait to snuggle down with my man and eat it!
(hope he chokes on it…and I didn’t cook it at all, I warmed it up then put it on a plate so you will all think I am a domestic goddess)
Had the most amazing night with my lovely friends…
( spent most of the night providing shoulder to cry on for recently dumped friend, trying to stop desperate friend shagging inappropriate man, holding hair for ‘shots all night’ friend while she vomits up £40 worth of booze…..never again.)
Just had a lovely bath complete with candles!!
( had to wash as covered in horse shit and electricity ran out so was forced to use a candle.)
Enjoyed a lovely long walk with the dogs today!
( because the f*ckers ran off and it took me 5 miles to catch them.)
Had a lovely day with all the family today!
( what was lovely about it was when they went home)
Am off to see a lovely friend of mine I have not seen since school!
( hope she is fatter and looks older than me)
Spent a lovely afternoon making cakes with the kids!
( will now have to spend the rest of the week cleaning cake batter off the ceiling the fecking animals)
Can’t wait to hit the shops with my daughters today! Girlie shopping!
( goodbye salary hello strops and arguments – just kill me now)
Going to have a lovely relaxing early night!
( have to get to bed and asleep pronto, hubby feeling fruity, am not in mood so instigating avoidance tactics!!..

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My horoscope said my ex would pop up,I've been down the canal all day and thankfully there was no sign of her!!..

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Sent the missus a "Get Better Soon" card today. She's not sick...just really shit at sex!