How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

Mark bought Marie a brand new automatic Jeep.

She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won’t move at all.

After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she calls the Jeep dealer and they send out Jimmy, their best technician, to check it out.

Jimmy checks the car and can’t find anything wrong with it. So he asked Marie, “Are you sho you be using the right gears, hun?”

Marie is mad now. “Yeah you fool, you idiot, how on earth could you ask me such a question?

I might be a blonde but I ain’t dumb, you know!

Of course, I’m using the right gears. I use the (D) during the day and the (N )during the night.”

[layback40]

THE CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRLS & THE PENIS - 😱😂😂😂
A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all die. They all arrive at heaven wanting to enter the pearly gates.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.
St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "Then dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle with that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her arse in it"...

[layback40]

How did we survive?
1. Our sandwiches contained leftover roast chicken; we didn’t have fridges in classrooms or ice bricks in our lunch boxes, but we didn’t get food poisoning.
2. We rode bikes without helmets or adult supervision or bike paths but we mostly just ended up with scarred knees.
3. Our mothers wiped our faces with spit on a hanky not an antibacterial wipe.
4. Tuckshop was sausage rolls and cream donuts but kids were wiry and fast.
5. Our parents rarely knew our teachers’ names, let alone their NAPLAN prep strategy.
6. When our teachers would whack us, we wouldn’t tell our parents for fear of getting punished again, so we avoided trouble in the first place.
7. Our trampolines were netless and sometimes hosed with water and a squirt of Palmolive for extra slipperiness.
8. What was said on the playground stayed on the playground.
9. We went on camps and excursions without 18 forms to be signed and witnessed.
10. As toddlers, we rode in supermarket trolleys without padded trolley liner thingys.
11. Angry teachers were treated with caution. We just prayed for a nice one next year.
12. Weekends were about our parents’ social lives. As kids, we played murder in the dark while parents talked with their friends and forgot we existed.
13. Generally, we went to the closest school, not the best one.
14. Kids got scared before parent-teacher interviews, not teachers.
15. We got ourselves to Saturday sport and told tall tales about how the win was won.
16. Helping with the washing up was as important as homework.
17. Birthday parties were fairy bread and Fanta, not fruit kebabs and face painting.
18. When a kid was injured, people felt sorry for her parents. They didn’t ask what the hell were they thinking letting her climb that tree anyway.
19. Cubby houses were built by kids not bought from Toys R Us.
20. If you did badly in a test, you got a talking to, not a cuddle.
21. A pocket-knife was a perfectly acceptable gift for a 10-year-old.
22. If anyone got air conditioning in their bedroom, it was mum and dad.
23. Family holidays came before kids’ sporting schedules.
24. Your dad’s desire to watch Four Corners trumped your need to watch Battlestar Galactica.
25. A teacher could put mercurochrome on a scraped knee without obtaining our parents’ permission and completing an ‘incident report’.
26. A playdate was walking to a friend’s house, ringing the doorbell and saying, ‘Can Cathy come and play?’
27. School excursions happened without a ‘risk assessment’ and a two to one kid / parent volunteer ratio.
28. There was no padding on netball hoop posts.
29. No one wrote names on cups at parties.
30. You could offer your friend a bite of your hot dog.
31. If the bus driver yelled at you, the bus driver didn’t get in trouble, you did.
32. If you didn’t make a team, you tried harder or tried something else.
33. Pass the parcel had one winner.
34. There was one kind of milk. It was full cream and it was delicious.
35. Meat was bought at the butcher, and was packed without a use-by date. Our parents used their noses to tell if the mince was off.
36. Getting one present on your Christmas wish list was good result.
37. Drives of longer than an hour happened without supplies of rice crackers and juice.
38. Going to the shops/church/the nursing home to visit Nan was boring as hell but could be endured without an iPad.
39. School holidays were about not being at school, not soccer workshops, art classes and pony camp.
40. Being tired was no excuse for being rude.
41. You had to do something great to get a ‘student of the week’ award. Not just show up at school

[layback40]

“DECLINING BIKE SALES”

Some of the reasons for the slump in sales at Harley Davison are as follows -

Apparently the Baby-Boomers all have motorcycles. Generation X is only buying a few, and the next generation isn't buying any at all.

A recent study was done to find out why Millennials don't ride motorcycles.

1. Pants won't pull up far enough for them to straddle the seat.

2. Can't get their phone to their ear with a helmet on.

3. Can't use 2 hands to eat while driving.

4. They don't get a trophy and a recognition plaque just for buying one.

5. Don't have enough muscle to hold the bike up when stopped.

6 Might have a bug hit them in the face and then they would need emergency care.

7 Motorcycles don't have air conditioning.

8. They can't afford one because they spent 12 years in college trying to get a degree in Humanities, Social Studies or Gender Studies for which no jobs are available.

9. They are allergic to fresh air.

10. Their pajamas get caught on the exhaust pipes.

11. They might get their hands dirty checking the oil.

12. The handle bars have buttons and levers and cannot be controlled by touch-screen.

13. You have to shift manually and use something called a clutch.

14. It's too hard to take selfies while riding.

15. They don't come with training wheels like their bicycles did.

16. Motorcycles don't have power steering or power brakes.

17. Their nose ring interferes with the face shield.

18. They would have to use leg muscle to back up.

19. When they stop, a light breeze might blow exhaust in their face.

20. It could rain on them and expose them to non-soft water.

21. It might scare their therapy dog, and then the dog would need therapy.

22. Can't get the motorcycle down the basement stairs of their parent's home.

[layback40]

A professor travels to Africa to live with a primitive tribe:

He spends years with them, teaching them all about the wonders of science, mathematics, and formatting Reddit comments so they get the most upvotes.

One day, the Chief's wife gives birth to a white child!

The word spreads, and the entire tribe is in shock. The chief pulls the professor aside and says. "Look, you're the only white man we've ever seen around here, and this woman just gave birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replied. "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said. "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."

[layback40]

The cost of female vanity!
All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home fix dinner, played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: Maybe I should pull the wax out of the medicine cabinet. So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand and then they get warm and you peel them apart press it to your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean I'm no girly girl but I am mechanically inclined enough that I can figure it out. *YA THINK!!!*

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my rear end (Oh how this phrase haunts me!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. OK so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-ra, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure I apply the was strip across the right side of bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself.
RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!...OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of the strip. S&%T!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP. Everything is swirly and spotted. Do I hear crashing drums??? OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - A wax covered strip with my hairy pelt, that has caused me so much pain, sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair.

WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair..The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. S&%T I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...................remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet. I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!!!!!!
I hear the slamming of the cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut. Butt?? Sealed shut.

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off" Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than then that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse that having your nether businesses glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub. In scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!! God bless the man that convinced me I should have a phone in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend thinking surely she's waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter "So, my butt and who-ha are stuck to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't have a secret trick but does try to hide the laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located on bottom "Are we talking cheeks or hole or what?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies, covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I slip into glazed donut land. My friend is still talking with me and my hand reaches towards the saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point. I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids, scared the dickens out of my friend, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!! I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair..................................

THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......................ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
So I shaved it off. Heck, I'm numb at this point. Next week I'm going to try hair color......

[layback40]

Rural Australian Computer Terminology

LOG ON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter

LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.

MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.

DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute.

HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.

KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys.

WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.

SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.

BYTE: What mozzies do

MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.

CHIP: A pub snack.

MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.

MODEM: What you did to the lawns.

LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.

SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.

HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.

MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.

MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.

WEB: What spiders make.

WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.

SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won't go.

CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won't go.

YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go.

UPGRADE: A steep hill.

SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counterlunch.

USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.

NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.

INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.

NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover a hole in the net.

ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.

OFFLINE Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough


Interesting definitions

LECTURE: An art of transmitting Information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of students without passing through the minds of either.

CONFERENCE: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

COMPROMISE: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece

DICTIONARY: A place where divorce comes before marriage

CONFERENCE ROOM: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on

CLASSIC A book which people praise but never read

SMILE: A curve that can set a lot of things straight!

OFFICE: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life