How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[scruffa]

A young polar bear was sitting on an ice float with it's mother one day, when the young bear turns to its' mum and says "Mum are you sure I'm a polar bear?
The mother bear says "Of course you are my dear"
The young bear then says "are you sure I'm not a brown bear or a black bear?"
The mum then says "Son, you are a polar bear just like your father"
A few moments go by and the young one says again "Mum are you sure I am not a Grizzly bear or a kodiak bear or even a sun bear?"
The mother bear then says with a fair bit of frustration in her voice "Son, you are a POLAR BEAR, just like your father, his father and his fathers father. Why do you keep asking me this silly question?"
The young polar bear then turns to his mum and says "Because I'm ********ing cold"

[layback40]

Childbirth at 65



With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked.
'Not yet,' she said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed,
I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!

[layback40]

A young couple had been married for a couple of weeks, but the man was always after his wife to quit smoking.

One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said, "You really ought to quit."

She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex."

He replied, "But they stunt your growth."

She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he never had.

Smiling and staring at his cock, she said, "So, what's your excuse?"

[layback40]

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes it is."

Boy- "I have a baseball."

Man- "That's nice."

Boy- "Want to buy it?"

Man- "No, thanks."

Boy- "My dad's outside."

Man- "OK, how much?" Boy- "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy- "Dark in here."

Man- "Yes, it is."

Boy- "I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy- "$750."

Man- "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Jesus fcuking Christ! Don't start that shit again!"

[layback40]

"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.

"Well doc, 25 years ago..."

"Never mind the past! Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."

"Like I was saying... 25 years ago when I first started working on the farm, that night right after I'd gone to bed the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted

I said "No everything is fine."

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"I'm sure" I said.

"Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know.

"I reckon not" I replied.

"Excuse me" said the doctor, "What the hell does this story have to do with your broken leg?"

"Well, this morning" the farmhand explained "when it dawned on me what she meant I fell off the roof!"



Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die rich.

Nurse: A person who wakes you up to give you sleeping pills.

Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters...

Divorce: Future tense of Marriage.

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.



Crazy Things You Probably Didn’t Know About Australia
1. Australia is as wide as the distance between London to Moscow.
2. The biggest property in Australia is bigger than Belgium.
3. More than 85% of Australians live within 50km of the coast.
4. In 1880, Melbourne was the richest city in the world.
5. Gina Rinehart, Australia’s richest woman, earns $1 million every half hour, or $598 every second.
6. In 1892, a group of 200 Australians unhappy with the government tried to start an offshoot colony in Paraguay to be called ‘ New Australia’.
7. The first photos from the 1969 moon landing were beamed to the rest of the world from Honeysuckle Tracking Station, near Canberra.
8. Australia was the second country in the world to allow women to vote (New Zealand was first).
9. Each week, 70 tourists overstay their visas.
10. In 1856, stonemasons took action to ensure a standard of 8-hour working days, which then became recognised worldwide.
11. Former Prime Minister Bob Hawke set a world record for sculling 2.5 pints of beer in 11 seconds. Hawke later suggested that this was the reason for his great political success.
12. The world’s oldest fossil, which is about 3.4 billion years old, was found in Australia.
13. Australia is very sparsely populated: The UK has 248.25 persons per square kilometre, while Australia has only 2.66 persons per square kilometre.
14. Australia’s first police force was made up of the best-behaved convicts.

[cruiserfied]

Originally Posted by layback40

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes it is."

Boy- "I have a baseball."

Man- "That's nice."

Boy- "Want to buy it?"

Man- "No, thanks."

Boy- "My dad's outside."

Man- "OK, how much?" Boy- "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy- "Dark in here."

Man- "Yes, it is."

Boy- "I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy- "$750."

Man- "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Jesus fcuking Christ! Don't start that shit again!"

Is it just me seeing this as posted in 1970?

********I'm going crazy. The date was 1/1/1970 but I logged out and back in and it's normal again????????*********

[Wazza D]

Originally Posted by cruiserfied

Is it just me seeing this as posted in 1970?

********I'm going crazy. The date was 1/1/1970 but I logged out and back in and it's normal again????????*********

It's a trick of the subconscious mind.
You secretly wish you could still buy a new CJ5 or an F55 Cruiser.