How tuff are Aussie blokes?

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I said to my doctor, "I've badly bruised my penis in a surfing accident.
He said, "Did you fall off your board?" I said, "No, I had to slam my laptop shut rather quickly."

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A christian mother thought to herself since my husband has been working so hard preaching maybe I should cook him a nice dinner. And he loves ham so I’ll get him some ham She went to the grocery store and asked Mr. Brown the deli manager “Do you have some fresh ham?”
He said “no all I have is some damham.”

She said “I’m a christian how dare you say that to me?” He said “No thats the brand see?”

“Oh!” she said it has a beaver and a dam So she took it home and got ready to prepare it when her husband got in He said “Whats for dinner?”

She said “We are having some damham” He said “Woman how dare you say that?” She said “no thats the brand.”

He said “Oh it has a beaver and a dam” She said “Lets eat” Father said “No we have to wait for our son.”

When the son came in he was greeted and when told to sit and prepare for dinner He said “cool wit me”

His father began to eat he said, son will you pass me dat damham.

He said “Oh Snap, Pops I didn't know you rolled like that?” “Pass me the f***ing mashed potatoes.

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A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket.

Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman looked puzzled. "Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked.

"Because every time I talk to a woman with beautiful ta-tas like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere"

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A young couple is on their honeymoon.

The husband is sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink?

I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink.

Now how do I tell her?" Meanwhile, the wife is sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath?

I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"

The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and walks into the bedroom.

He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've got a confession to make." She says, "So have I, love."

To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."

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A frustrated husband in front of his laptop:

Dear Google, please do not behave like my wife...Please allow me to complete my sentence before you start guessing and suggesting.



A married man's prayer:

Dear God, You gave me childhood, You took it away.

You gave me youth, You took it away.

You gave me a wife ... It’s been years now, just reminding You.



A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.

His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.

"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is in a mess, the dishes are not done,

I'm still in my pyjamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!

What the hell did you bring him home for?"

Husband answers "Because he's thinking of getting married."



Employee: Sir You are like a lion in the office! What about at home?

Boss: I am a lion at home too, but there we have a lion tamer!!!



A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant. As the food was served,

the husband said, "the food looks delicious, let's eat."

Wife: Honey ... you say a prayer before eating at home.

Husband: That's at home sweetheart ... here the chef knows how to cook.



Best Slogan on a MAN's T-Shirt: "Please Do Not Disturb me, I am married and already very disturbed."



Some brilliant one-liners from Phyllis Diller.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

Tranquillizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.



My favourite paraprosdokian:

I would rather die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, than screaming in terror like his passengers.

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When I was in the pub last night I overheard a couple of dickheads saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman! What a pair of sexist twats. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the fucking thing!

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Barry gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says "Where the fucking Hell have you been"..???

Barry replies "I was out getting a Tattoo"..??

"A Tattoo"..??? she frowned. "What kind of Tattoo did you get".??

"I got a Tattoo of a Hundred Dollar Bill on my Knob" he said proudly.

"What the Hell were you thinking"?.?? she said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on Earth would you get a Hundred Dollar Bill Tattooed on your Knob"..???

"Well, 4 Reasons - One, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and Blow a Hundred Bucks anytime you want."

If you wish to visit.

Barry is in the Royal Brisbane Hospital, Critical Care Unit, Room 233