How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

A guy about 35 years old was getting married for the third time.

His prospective bride learned that it was to be his third such trip, and naturally asked him what happened to his first two wives.

He told her that his first wife died of mushroom poisoning.

She agreed that was rather tragic, but what did his second wife die of?

"Well, she died of a fractured skull."

"Oh, how terrible," says she, "how come she died of a fractured skull?"

"Because she wouldn't eat the mushrooms," he answered.

[layback40]

Took the wife's Valentines present back today.
She said she wanted something black and lacy.
Turns out she didn't mean football boots.

[layback40]

The regular taster at a winery died, and the director started looking for a replacement.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. But he gave him a glass of wine to try....
The drunk took a mouthful and said: 'It's a Muscat , three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.'
"That's correct", said the boss.
Another glass...."This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for the very best results"
"Correct."
A third glass..."It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly.
The director was absolutely astonished.
He winked at his secretary, with a mischievous smile and she left the room. Back she came, 3 minutes later, with a glass of yellowish water, and winked back at her boss.
The alcoholic tried it, and said, "Mmmm, lovely nose....a bit fruity, medium bodied, and a touch spicy. This can be laid down for a few more years.
I should also add ....It's definitely a blonde, 28 years old, mature for her age, three months pregnant and if you don't give me the job...I'll be naming the father."

[layback40]

A minister, a priest and a rabbi were enjoying the serenity of a country dipping pond. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom."

As they were crossing an open area, a group of very old ladies from town approached them. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my FACE that they would recognize."

[layback40]

My neighbour accused me of being a bad parent after listening to my baby son crying on the baby monitor for over an hour earlier.
"Piss off," I said. "Loads of parents use baby monitors."
"Yes they do," he replied. "But not in the ********ing pub!".

[layback40]

I saw our milkman this mornin...he said he's made love to every woman on our road bar one...went in an told my other half...she said "it'll be that miserable ********ing cow at No 15"

[layback40]

An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.
The American snapped his gum and said, ‘You Australian folk eat the whole bread?’
The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, ‘of course.’
The American blew a huge bubble. ‘We don’t. In the States, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .’
The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.
The American persisted, ‘D’ya eat jam with your bread?’
Sighing, the Australian replied, ‘of course.’
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, ‘we don’t. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia ..
The Australian then asked, ‘Do you have sex in the States?’
The American smiled and said ‘Why of course we do.’
The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, ‘And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?’
‘We throw them away, of course!’
Now it was the Australians turn to smile.
‘We don’t. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do you think it’s called Wrigley’s?..