How tuff are Aussie blokes?

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I cannot stand people who think they're worse off than everybody else.
My mate Don is brilliant. He had a bad accident where he lost his
voice and both legs. Does he make a song and dance about it ?

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For all my American friends, this is how you play the game of cricket:-

You have two sides, one out in the field and one in. Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out. When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side that’s been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out.

When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two men called umpires who stay out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out.

When both sides have been in and all the men are out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game! Easy eh? " Noel



I have my changed my system for labelling meals I make and freeze. I used to carefully note in large clear letters: Steak and Veg, Chicken and Veg, Pasta and sauce etc. However, I used to get frustrated when I asked my kids what they wanted for dinner because they never asked for any of those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what they really like.

If you look in my freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that say: Whatever, Anything, I Don't Know, I Don't Care, Something Good or Food. My frustration is now reduced because no matter what, I have something ready for them.



Q: Who did Frankenstein take to the prom? A: His ghoul friend.

Q: When does a ghost have breakfast? A: In the moaning.

Q: What do birds give out on Halloween night? A: Tweets.

Q: Why do vampires need mouthwash? A: They have bat breath.

Q: Why is a skeleton so mean? A: He doesn't have a heart.

Q: What do vampires take when they are sick? A: Coffin drops!

Q: What kind of pants do ghosts wear? A: Boo-Jeans.

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I'm sick of Christmas already.
I work my fingers to the bone every year to earn enough money to buy my kids the expensive presents they want and what happens? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit....
Still,
it's my own fault for marrying her....

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If a comedian is in a wheelchair is it still stand up comedy? no, but it would still be wheelie funny....

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I've been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately...... The most common one seems to be ......"You said you'd be home from the pub three fuckin hours ago!"

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Married Man's Confession

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman - almost."

The priest says, "What do you mean, 'almost'?"

The man says, "Well, we got undressed and touched, but then I
stopped."

The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The man replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!

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The Train Set

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son say, "All of you fools who want to get off, get off now, cause this the last stop! And all you fools, who are returning and want to get on, get your tails on the train now, cause we're going down the tracks!"

The mother went into the living room and told her son, " We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may go back and play with your train, but only if you use nice language.

Two hours later the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say "All passengers who are disembarking, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.
We hope you will ride with us again.She hears the little boy continue:
"For those of you just boarding we ask you to stow your hand luggage in the racks over your head, or under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on this train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
Then the child added, "And for those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, see the b***h in the kitchen!"