How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

I rung up work this morning..
"My wife died last night." I explained. "I'm going to need some time off."
"Oh my goodness, that's awful." Replied the secretary. "We understand though, take as much time off as you need."
"Thank you." I said. "It'll be about eighteen years, if I behave myself."

[layback40]

Our top 30 Aussie sayings...
30 He's got a few roos loose in the top paddock.
Doesn't have it together
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29 Dig a hole and bury me, it just doesn't get better than this!
~
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28 May your chooks turn into emus and kick your dunny down.
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27 Flat out like a lizard drinking.
hard work, busy. (But originally sarcastically)
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26 Too slow to keep worms in a tin.
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25 May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.
You're basically scum
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24 Gonna drain me dragon.
urinate
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23 Built like a brick shithouse.
1) [sarcastic] weak 2) Extremely well built person!-usually a woman
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22 He could talk under wet cement with a mouthful of marbles.
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21 One foot in the grave and the other on a banana skin.
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20 He had a head on him like a sucked mango.
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19 Drier than a nuns nasty.
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18 A good root and a fart would kill him.
He's weak.
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17 Up at a sparrows fart.
got up very early in the morning
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16 I'm not pissing in your pocket mate!
I'm giving to you straight.
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15 She had more pricks than a second hand dartboard.
not discriminating about sexual partners
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14 Busier than a one armed Sydney cab driver with the crabs.
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13 The most fun you can have with your pants on.
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12 A few wanks short of an orgasm.
not all there
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11 Give birth to a politician.
To have a shit.
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10 He's floggin the log/dog again!
Havin' a wank. (Masturbating)
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9 Got you by the short and curlies.
Got you on a short leash.... pubic hairs!
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8 You must be the world's only living brain donor.
dumb or stupid to the extreme
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7 Happy as a bastard on Father's Day.
~
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6 About as useful as tits on a bull.
useless
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5 Not enough brains to give 'imself a headache!
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4 Off like a bride's nightie.
Very quickly.
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3 Dry as a dead dingo's donger.
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2 Scarce as rocking horse shit.
Very rare
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1 May your ears turn into arseholes and shit on your shoulders.
insult
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Add your own 🇦🇺😜😂

[layback40]

My brother was so mean when I was a child.
He used to glue the pages of his porn magazines together so I couldn't look at them.

[layback40]

I just saw my ex wife walking towards me in the high street.
Not wanting to stop and talk to her I quickly pretended that I was talking on the phone.
She walked straight up to me and said, you're just pretending to be on the phone, aren't you?"
"Hold on a moment," I said to my pretend caller. "No, I'm not. What makes you think that I'm pretending?
She said, "You've got your thumb in your ear and your little finger on your lip!!..

[layback40]

My ex girlfriend had a fantastic set of tits!. However one was bigger than the other. She wasn't really that self conscious until she entered a wet t shirt contest and came 1st and 3rd!!..

[layback40]

Swearing At Work
Dear Staff
It has been brought to the Managing Director's attention that some ex-servicemen throughout the organisation have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their civilian work colleagues.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may have been easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.
Therefore, a list of 13 new and innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
1.Try Saying: "I think you could do with more training."
Instead Of: "You don't have a fucking clue do you Lofty ?"
2.Try Saying: "She's an aggressive go-getter."
Instead Of: "She's a fucking power-crazy bitch."
3.Try Saying: "Perhaps I can work late."
Instead Of: "And when the fuck do you expect me to do this ?"
4.Try Saying: "I'm certain that isn't feasible."
Instead Of: "Fuck off you arsehole !"
5.Try Saying: "Really ?"
Instead Of: "Well, fuck me sideways with a telegraph pole !"
6.Try Saying: "Perhaps you should check with............"
Instead Of: "Tell someone who actually gives a fuck !"
7.Try Saying: "I wasn't involved in the project."
Instead Of: "Not my fucking problem shippers !"
8.Try Saying: "That's interesting."
Instead Of: "What the fuck."
9.Try Saying: "I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale."
Instead Of: "No fucking chance mate !"
10.Try Saying: "It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in."
Instead Of: "Why the fuck didn't you tell me that yesterday you knob jockey ?"
11.Try Saying: "He's not familiar with the issues."
Instead Of: "He's got his head up his fucking arse !"
12.Try Saying: "Excuse me, Sir."
Instead Of: "Oi, fuck face !"
13.Try Saying: "Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway."
Instead Of: "Yeah, who needs fucking holidays anyway !".😜

[layback40]

Bought a dog and called him shark.
I'm now banned from every beach in Australia!😜