How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[ryanebeerman]

And a "smart" Aussie would be holding it in "Both Hand's" just to impress alittle bit more........Lol.......
Good one.......

[layback40]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped millimetres from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab.

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."



I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hel out of it!

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's still hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of a communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have

nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

[layback40]

I before E except when your foreign neighbour Keith receives eight counterfeit beige sleighs from feisty caffeinated weightlifters. Weird!



Pause for thought…

Imagine how cool being a pet fish would be: you’re just swimming along then it suddenly starts raining food

What if everything you see right now is just a hallucination caused by inhaling oxygen?

What if coins you randomly find at the bottom of draws and in between couch cushions are actually from spiders trying to pay rent?

Let us all take a minute and realize the lack of creativity in the name “fireplace.”

Homes are just artificial free-standing caves

If there’s a “heavens no” and a “hell yes” why isn’t there a “purgatory maybe”?

Fuel prices aren’t so bad if you consider you’re actually buying liquid explosive dinosaur.

Lasagne is just spaghetti flavoured cake



International Pun Contest

Beauty is only a light switch away.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Make love, not war. Hell, do both - GET MARRIED!

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.



To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.



A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He answered, "Call for backup."

I live in my own little world. But it's OK... They know me here!

What do you call 2 thieves? A pair of knickers.



THINGS MUM WOULD NEVER, EVER SAY

How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?

Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too.

Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look cheerier.

Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week.

Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day.

Well, if Rudi's mother says it's OK, that's good enough for me.

The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here.

I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve

Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve.

[layback40]

TRIVIA—

A shrimp's heart is in its head.

The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand.

More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.

Horses can't vomit.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

A snail can sleep for three years.

No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."

All polar bears are left-handed.

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

A customer moves away from a bank window, counts his change, and then goes back and says to the cashier "Hey, you gave me the wrong change!"

"Sir, you stepped away from the counter" said the cashier. "We don't make corrections after you leave. There's nothing I can do about it now. That's the policy of this bank."

"Well ok" answered the customer. "Just thought you'd like to know that you gave me an extra hundred. Bye."

A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card ‘Rest in Peace.’ The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was the florist replied ‘I’m really sorry for the mistake but rather than getting angry you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today and they have flowers with a note saying, ‘Congratulations on your new location!’

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.

"A new survey found that half of all-American employees have faked a sick day. While the other half have just lied on a survey."

[layback40]

Covid comedy.

1. So let me get this straight, there’s no cure for a virus that can be killed by sanitizer and hand soap?

2. Is it too early to put up the Christmas tree yet? I have run out of things to do.

3. When this virus thing is over, I still want some of you to stay away from me.

4. If these last months have taught us anything, it’s that stupidity travels faster than any virus on the planet.

5. Just wait a second – so what you're telling me is that my chance of surviving all this is directly linked to the common sense of others? You’re kidding, right?

6. If you believe all this will end and we will get back to normal just because we reopen everything, raise your hand. Now slap yourself with it.

7. Another Saturday night in the house and I just realized the rubbish bin goes out more than me.

8. Whoever decided a liquor store is more essential than a hair salon is obviously a bald-headed alcoholic.

9. Remember when you were little and all your underwear had the days of the week on them. Those would be helpful right now.

10. The spread of Covid-19 is based on two factors: 1. How dense the population is and 2. How dense the population is.

11. Remember all those times when you wished the weekend would last forever? Well, wish granted. Happy now?

12. It may take a village to raise a child, but I swear it’s going to take a whole vineyard to home school one.

13. I’ve just washed a big load of pyjamas so now I have enough clean work clothes for this week.

Subject: a guide for shed mechanics.

Drill press: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal pieces out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings it across the shed, smashing into the side of your car.

Wire wheel: Cleans rust off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingertips.

Electric hand drill: Normally used for spinning pop-rivets in their holes until you die from old age, or for perforating something behind and beyond the original intended target object.

Pliers: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

Vice-grips: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.

Hacksaw: One of a family of cutting tools built for frustration enhancement.

Oxy-acetylene torch: Used mostly/entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shed on fire.

Lead light: The home mechanics own tanning booth, it is a good source of vitamin d, 'the sunshine vitamin', which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 100-watt light globes at about the same rate as machine gun bullets. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

Phillips screwdriver: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids, open old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Philips screw heads.

Straight screwdriver: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

Pry bar: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50-cent part.

Hose cutter: A tool used to make hoses too short.

Hammer: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

Mechanic's knife: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund cheques, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially good for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. It is also useful for removing large chunks of human flesh from the hands.

[layback40]

There were two nuns. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It was getting dark and they are far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to make love to us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

A little while later...

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way He cannot follow us both.

The man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent and was worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrived.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

Say two Hail Marys!

[layback40]

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO. "This is a very sensitive and important document here and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me"? "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."



A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your Kayak and heat it.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on that."

'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

So, I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says, "So are you, you fat baskit!"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So, that was nice."