How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.



A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it …

to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."



When one door closes and another door opens, you are, probably, in prison.

To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

It's the start of a brand-new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

I run like the winded.

I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminium can stuffed with celery?

I don't mean to interrupt people. I just, randomly, remember things and get really excited.

When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east", "south", "west"...

Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people, cops.

My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

[layback40]

In which battle did Napoleon die? A. his last battle

Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? A. at the bottom of the page

River Murray flows in which state? A. liquid

What is the main reason for divorce? A. marriage

What can you never eat for breakfast? A. Lunch

What looks like half an apple? A. The other half.

If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? A. Wet

How can a man go eight days without sleeping? A. No problem, he sleeps at night.

How can you lift an elephant with one hand? A. You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.

If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have? A. Very large hands

If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? A. No time at all, the wall is already built.

How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? A. Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.



A customer moves away from a bank window, counts his change and then goes back and says to the cashier "Hey you gave me the wrong change!"

"Sir you stepped away from the counter" said the cashier. "We don't make corrections after you leave. There's nothing I can do about it now. That's the policy of this bank."

"Well ok" answered the customer. "Just thought you'd like to know that you gave me an extra twenty. Bye."



Clever Signs.

A sign in a shoe repair store: We will heel you, We will save your sole, We will even dye for you.

Sign over a Gynaecologist’s Office: "Dr Jones, at your cervix.”.

In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels.”

At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.”

On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed.”

On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

At a Tyre Shop: "Invite us to your next blowout.”

On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts.”

In a Non-smoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.”

On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push.”

At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”

Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

A sign outside a shop; “Push. If that doesn’t work…Pull. If that doesn’t work...We must be closed.

Outside a pub; “Today’s offer: Buy any 2 Drinks and pay for them both.”

Outside a Library, “Library is closed until opening time.”

At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.”

In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait.”

Beside a computer, “Every time you make a typo, the errorists win”.

Outside an Ice cream shop, “I Scream, You Scream, The Police Come, It’s Awkward.”

In a Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak.”;

Sign on the back of Septic Tank Truck: "Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

On another Septic Tank Truck: "Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"

[layback40]

Maths Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"

Student: "A drinking problem."

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Six."

Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven!"

Teacher: "Johnny, where do you get seven from?!"

Johnny: "Because I've already got a cat!"



A science teacher tells his class, "Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1773." A student responds, "Thank Goodness I was born after 1773! I would have died without it."

A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My mother grows beans," said one girl. "My father cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."

Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? A: It's okay. He woke up.

A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, "Give me all the money or you’re geography!" The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say, 'or you’re history?'" The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"

Teacher: "Name a bird with wings but can't fly." Student: "A dead one."

Teacher: "What is the future tense of the statement: 'I had killed a thief' Student: "You will go to jail."

[layback40]

Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older:
Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years unless you give them your email address.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 1960s, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.



A man called his mother in Sydney. "Mum, how are you?" Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak. " The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days? " The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."

[layback40]

How did the ornament get addicted to Christmas? He was hooked on trees his whole life.

Why was Santa’s little helper depressed? Because he had very low elf esteem.

What does the Grinch do with a baseball bat? Hits a gnome and runs.

What do you call a broke Santa Claus? Saint-nickel-less.

What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.

Why did Frosty ask for a divorce? His wife was a total flake.

Why does Scrooge love reindeer so much? Because every single buck is dear to him!

What do you get when you cross a duck with Santa? A Christmas quacker.

Why do mummies like Christmas so much? They’re into all the wrapping.

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing. It was on the house!

How do you help someone who’s lost their Christmas spirit? Nurse them back to elf.

What do you call an elf wearing earmuffs? Anything you want. He can’t hear you!

What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish.

What do you call a blind reindeer? I have no eye deer.

What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? Rude-olph.

What’s every elf’s favourite type of music? Wrap.

What do you call a scary looking reindeer? A Cariboo.

What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire? Frostbite.

What’s the absolute best Christmas present? A broken drum. You can’t beat it!

What do reindeers say before they tell you a joke? This one’s going to sleigh you!

What do you call Santa’s little helpers? Subordinate clauses.

What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It’s finally Christmas, Eve!

What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has No-el.

How do you know when Santa’s around? You can always sense his presents.

What do you call an elf that can sing and dance? Elfis.

Where does Santa keep all his money? At the locsnowbank

Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was searching for some holiday spirit.

Why don’t crabs celebrate Christmas? Because they’re shell-fish.

What’s every parent’s favourite Christmas Carol? Silent Night.

What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Frosted Flakes or Ice Crispies.

What do you call Santa when he takes a break? Santa Pause.

Why is Santa kind of scared of chimneys? Because he’s so claus-trophobic.

What do elves learn in school? The elfa-bet.

Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas party? He had no body to go with.

What do you call a cat on the beach on Christmas Day? Sandyclaws.

Why is Santa so good at karate? Cause he’s got a black belt.

What part of the body do you only see around Christmas? The mistletoe.

Where does mistletoe go to get famous? Holly-wood!

Why is Santa always cast as the lead in the local musical? Because he has such good presents.

What do you get when you deep fry Santa? Crisp Cringle.

Why does Santa always enter through the chimney? Because it soots him.

How do sheep say Merry Christmas in Mexico? Fleece Navidad.

What’s Santa’s favourite candy? Jolly ranchers.

What do you get when you mix a Christmas tree and an iPad? A pineapple!

What do you call a snowman that can walk? Snow-mobile.

What do you call a frog hanging from the ceiling? Mistletoad.

[layback40]

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

[layback40]

There once was a Tsar in Russia whose name was Rudolph the Great. He was standing in his house one day with his wife. He looked out the window and saw something happening. He says to his wife, "Look honey. It's raining."

She responded," I don't think so, dear. I think it's snowing."

But Rudolph knew better. So, he says to his wife," Let's step outside and we'll find out."

Lo and behold, they step outside and discover it was in fact rain. And Rudolph turns to his wife and replies," I knew it was raining. Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME . . .

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. ‘In honour of this holy season’, Saint Peter said, ‘you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven’. The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ‘It represents a candle’, he said. ‘You may pass through the pearly gates’ Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. ‘These represent bells’ he said. ‘You may pass through the pearly gates’ Saint Peter said. The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's undies.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, ‘And just what do those symbolize?’ The man replied.............

‘They're Carols’.


What’s red and white, red and white, red and white? Santa Claus rolling down the hill.

What did the Christmas tree say to the ornament? “Aren’t you tired of just hanging around?”

What kind of bug hates Christmas? A humbug.

What goes “oh, oh, oh”? Santa walking backwards.

What did the gingerbread man put on his bed? A cookie sheet.

Knock. Knock. Who’s there? Hanna. Hanna who? Hanna partridge in a pear tree.

Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctor? Because he was feeling crummy.

What do you call a snowman party? A Snowball.

Why does Santa have 3 gardens? So he can hoe-hoe-hoe.

What does one snowman say to the other? Do you smell carrots?

Why did the elves ask the turkey to join the band? Because he had the drum sticks.

What does Tarzan sing at Christmas? Jungle Bells.

What kind of ball doesn’t bounce? A snowball.

Who lives at the North Pole, makes toys and rides around in a pumpkin? Cinder-elf-a.

What do you get when you cross a bell with a skunk? Jingle smells.

What does Mrs Claus say to Santa when she sees clouds? Looks like rain, dear

What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective? Santa Clues

What happened to the bloke who ate the Christmas decorations? He got tinsel-itis.

Christmas: The time when everyone gets Santamental.

How do you know Santa must be a man? No woman is going to wear the same outfit year after year.

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve.

The judge asked the defendant what he was charged with.

"Doing my Christmas shopping early," was the reply.

"That not illegal! How early were you shopping?"

"Before the store was open."

Maria went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

' What denomination?' asked the clerk.

'Oh! Good heavens! Have we come to this?' said Maria, 'Well give me 50 Methodist and 50 Church of England ones please.'

Sometimes Santa will fall down a chimney. Then he's Santa Klutz.

Just before Christmas, two brothers were spending the night at their Grandma's house. At bedtime, they knelt to say their prayers.

As they closed their eyes, one boy said in a loud voice, "Dear Lord, please ask Santa Claus to bring me a Wii, a telescope and a new bike."

His older brother said, "Why are you shouting? God isn't deaf."

"I know," said his brother, "but Grandma is."

The Santa Claus at the shopping mall was very surprised when Emily, young lady aged about 20 years old walked up and sat on his lap. Now, we all know that Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, 'What do you want for Christmas?'

'Something for my mother, please,' replied Emily sweetly.

'Something for your mother? Well, that's very loving and thoughtful of you,' smiled Santa. 'What would you like me to bring her?'

Without turning a hair Emily answered quickly, 'A son-in-law.'

Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.