How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

An elderly, but hardy, cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbour that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

A very cranky woman "in her senior years" was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away. She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.

When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store.

The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches."

The judge then asked why she had done it.

She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."

The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.

She replied in a nasty tone, "Nine! But why do you care about that?"

The judge answered patiently, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail - one day for each peach."

As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak. The judge said, "Yes sir, what do you have to add?"

The husband said meekly, "Your Honour, she also stole two cans of peas."



Two obnoxious businessmen in a new shopping mall were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop.

As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some old pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling a**holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old woman said, "Must be doing well ... Only two left."



Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde



1st Person: What is the role of market analysts?

2nd Person: They’re professionals who’ll know tomorrow why the things they predicted yesterday didn’t happen today!

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

: “If you can guess how many chooks I’ve got in me bag, you can have both of them”.

Old Mate: “Three.”

[layback40]

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

So what's the speed of dark?

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavoured cat food?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?



Old Timers. This lot is from an old vaudeville routine. You can almost hear the boom, boom…

A car hit an elderly man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable? " The man says, "I make a good living."

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!

The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

The Doctor called a patient saying, "Your cheque came back." Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"

Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand? " The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears. " Doctor: "Don't answer!"

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking. " The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."



At a fancy reception, a young man was asked by a widow to guess her age. "You must have some idea," she urged when he hesitated. "I have a couple ideas," he admitted with a smile. "The trouble is that I don't know whether to make it ten years younger, because of your looks, or ten years older, because of your intelligence."

[Banshee]

https://www.thisamericanlife.org/510...2013/act-three

[layback40]

What’s yellow, has long ears, and grows on trees? The Easter Bunana!

What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny.

Where does the Easter bunny get his eggs? From eggplant.

Why won’t Easter eggs go out at night? They don’t want to get “beat up”.

Why shouldn’t you tell an Easter egg a joke? It might crack up!

Why does Peter Cottontail go hopping down the bunny trail? Because he’s too young to drive.

How many Easter eggs can you put in an empty basket? Only one – after that it’s not empty anymore!

What did the Easter bunny say to the carrot? It’s been nice gnawing you.

Where does Christmas come before Easter? In the dictionary!

What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole? A hot cross bunny.

What do you call ten rabbits marching backwards? A receding hareline.

What is the difference between a crazy bunny and a counterfeit bill? One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny!

What is the end of Easter? The letter R.

Tell your kids you hid an Easter egg with $50 in the backyard, but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.

How do you make Easter easier? Replace the t with an i.

What do you call the Easter Bunny the day after Easter? Eggshausted

What does the Easter Bunny plant next to the green beans in his garden? Jellybeans

What do you get if you cross Winnie the Pooh and the Easter Bunny? A honey bunny

What proof is there that carrots are good for the eyes? You don’t see rabbits wearing glasses.

[layback40]

Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

What do you call a pig with laryngitis?

Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.

Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.

If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.

Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.

A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.

How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet.’ It’s a cover band.

I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.

Why is dark spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.

Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.

When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare

Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”

Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.

Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.

I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.

What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.

I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”

What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.

I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

[layback40]

When you are bored, just think about a few things that don't make sense ...like:

If a poison use by date expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?

Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims."

100 years ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.

At a movie theatre, which arm rest is yours?

If people evolve from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?

Why is there a 'D' in fridge, but not in refrigerator?

Who knew what time it was when the first clock was made?

Why does the word funeral start with FUN?

Why isn't a Fireman called a Waterman?

How come Lipstick doesn't do what it says?

If money doesn't grow on trees, how come Banks have Branches?

If a Vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a Humanitarian eat?

How does one get off a non-stop Flight?

Why are goods sent by ship called Cargo and those sent by truck Shipment?

Why do we put cups in the dishwasher and the dishes in the Cupboard?

Why is it called 'Rush Hour' when traffic moves at its slowest then?

Why are undies a pair but a bra single?

Don’t be fooled: Nothing doesn’t rhyme with Orange.

Why is abbreviation such a long word and can’t be abbreviated?

How come Noses run and Feet smell?

Elephants have Big Ears because Noddy won’t pay the ransom.

What are you vacating when you go on a vacation?

[layback40]

Anzac Biscuits

During World War One, the friends and families of soldiers and community groups sent food to the front lines. They had to send food that would remain edible, without refrigeration, for long periods of time that retained high nutritional value and the Anzac biscuit met this need. The biscuit was first known as the Soldiers’ Biscuit.

Ingredients

1 1/4 cups plain flour, sifted.

1 cup rolled oats.

1/2 cup caster sugar

3/4 cup desiccated coconut

150g unsalted butter, chopped.

2 tablespoons golden syrup or treacle

1 1/2 teaspoons water

1/2 teaspoon bicarb soda

Method

Preheat oven to 170C. Place the flour, oats, sugar and coconut in a large bowl and stir to combine.

In a small saucepan place the golden syrup and butter and stir over low heat until the butter has fully melted. Mix the bicarb soda with 1 1/2 tablespoons water and add to the golden syrup mixture. It will bubble whilst you are stirring together so remove from the heat.

Pour into the dry ingredients and mix together until fully combined. Roll tablespoonfuls of mixture into balls and place on baking trays lined with non-stick baking paper, pressing down on the tops to flatten slightly.

Bake for 12 minutes or until golden brown.