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  #6245  
Old 22-11-2015
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Little Johnny greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma.

Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."

The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear," she asked.

Little Johnny replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the damn walls if you came to visit us again.
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  #6246  
Old 22-11-2015
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THE ENVELOPES
The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his
new desk, finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds the words "open me
first," and the others are numbered one to three.

He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor
saying: "These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In
case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order;
envelope one first, envelope two second, and envelope three third."

The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them.

Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes, and
is losing money fast.

After a long night negotiating with the union, he remembers the 3
envelopes. So he opens the first one and it says: "Blame me, your
predecessor for every thing."

Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to
its end. His job is saved, and everybody's happy.

A few months later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer and
opens the second envelope. It reads, "Blame the government for
everything."

It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his job
is, once again, saved.

A month later the workers declare another strike. The manager goes
directly to the third envelope and it reads, "Prepare 4 new
envelopes."
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  #6247  
Old 22-11-2015
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Beer Prayer
Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
(I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the pub.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For ever and ever.
Bar-men.
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  #6248  
Old 23-11-2015
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Shit !! What a start to the day I was attacked whilst in the Pharmacy across the road .
Some Psychopath in there was screaming and shouting and threw the contents of a carton of Omega 3 tablets at me ...it must have weighed 5 kilos BANG! right in the face .....
Luckily the Pharmacist was medically trained and I am OK .
He said I had only suffered super fish oil injuries .
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  #6249  
Old 23-11-2015
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A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. Good morning,” said the young man.

“If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.

“Go away!” said the old lady. “I haven’t got any money!” and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. “Don’t be too hasty!” he said.

“Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.” And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

“If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”

The old lady stepped back and said, “Well I hope you’ve got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning..”
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  #6250  
Old 23-11-2015
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Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it.

He decided to ask his shrink what to do some thing about it.

The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him.

If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."

Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas.

"I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake-up.

When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree.

And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop.

Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree.

Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.

When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"

Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!
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  #6251  
Old 24-11-2015
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Got a porn film the other day, I put it in the DVD player but it was just a dark blurry picture of some fat bloke holding his cock.
Then I realised I hadn't switched the TV on.
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