How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

There are two statues in a park;
One of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred
Years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a
Hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
Shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you
Care to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?'

She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions.


This time, I 'll hold the pigeon down and you sh!t on its head.'

[layback40]

Australian Police Entrance Test – Private & Confidential


An Australian man is seeking to join his state police service.

The Sergeant doing the interview says : "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says : "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

[layback40]

Alzheimer's Test for Modern Seniors

How fast can you guess these words?

1. F_ _K

2. PU_S_

3. S_X

4. P_N_S

5. BOO_S

6. _ _NDOM



------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Answers:



1. FORK

2. PULSE

3. SIX

4. PANTS

5. BOOKS

6. RANDOM

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?

Don't worry. You don't have Alzheimer's.. You are just a pervert.

[layback40]

They walk among us

I walked into a Subway with a buy one get one free coupon for a
Sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little
Chalkboard that said "buy one, get one free". "They're already buy one
Get one free", she said, "so I guess they're both free". She handed me
Two free sandwiches and I walked out the door.

They walk among us and many work retail.


One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them
Shouted, "Look at that dead bird!"
One friend looked up at the sky and Said, "Where?"

They Walk among us!


While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which
Direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun
Waking Him up every morning.

She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"

When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for
Sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that Stuff."

They Walk Among Us and Some are Realtors!


I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I
Got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was
Open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7
Days A week."

He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"

Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

They Walk Among Us!


My friend has a sister that has a lifesaving tool in her car. It is
Designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it
In The boot.

They Walk Among Us!



My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
Discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought two cases. The
Cashier multiplied 2 x 10% = 20% and gave us a 20% discount. We went
Back and got two more cases. They also work in liquor stores in Sydney.

They Walk Among Us!



I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to
The
Lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed
Up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained
Professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your
Plane arrived yet?"

They Walk Among Us!



While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza
To go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like
It cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for a moment before
Responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry
Enough To eat 6 pieces."

Yep, They Walk Among Us!

AND......... They reproduce!

[bruggz351]

Holy Prostitutes

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son? '

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

[layback40]

It's Hell to be Old

OLD people have problems that you haven't
even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a ********** count as part of his physical
exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.
Soaked it in hot water ,still nothing
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing..'

The doctor was shocked!


'You asked your neighbour?'

The old man replied,

'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

[layback40]

The Polite Way to Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying:
'That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said:
'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the
word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

Johnny said:
'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a
moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted.