How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out that my new doctor is young, female and drop dead gorgeous. I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional, I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out.

I said, "My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny."

[layback40]

The Jeremy Kyle Christmas song... .. 12 cans of carling.. 11 dna tests.. 10 dads to choose from.. 9 teeth between them.. 8 squeezed in tracksuits.. 7 stinking smackrats.. 6 dunlop trainers.. 5 STOLEN RINGS... 4 fats slags.. 3 ugly twats.. 2 timing runts ... And a wanker who perades them on Tv!!..

[layback40]

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with ‘tor’ that eat things.
The first little boy says, “Alligator.”
“Very good, that’s a big word.”
The second boy says, “Predator.”
“Yes, that’s another big word. Well done.”
Little Johnny says, “Vibrator, Miss.”
After nearly falling off her chair, she says, “That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything.”
“Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there’s no tomorrow!”

[layback40]

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or the machine?"

[layback40]

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade.

My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is!

I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had enough.

She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test.

If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.

She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rdgrade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer,

Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher,

"Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last six questions wrong...

[layback40]

According to 'The Hobbit', Gollum was once a normal man.
The biggest mistake he made was putting on that ring, which drained him of his youth, vitality, and energy.
I got one of those when I was married!!..

[layback40]

A cop was patrolling at night in a well known area for "parking."

He saw a couple in a car, with the interior light on.

He got closer to the car and saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine and a young woman on the rear seat, knitting.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walked over to the car and knocked on the window.

"Yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?"

"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing to the young woman, the cop asked, "And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugged, "I believe she's knitting a pullover."

The cop was totally confused.

A young couple alone in a car at night and nothing obscene is happening!

"What's your age, young man?"

"I'm 22, sir." "And her, what's her age?

The young man looks at his watch and said, "She'll be 18 in 20 minutes.