How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your tee ready

[layback40]

I love to pamper my girlfriend after she's had a stressful day at work. I get her to text me when she's leaving so I can get the hot tap running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly so that, the moment she walks through the door, the dishes are piled up and waiting for her

[layback40]

A honeymoon couple turn up at a hotel. In the bar they discover another two honeymoon couples who have also just arrived. They get talking and after a few drinks the girls decide to go to their rooms to ‘prepare’ for the night ahead while the lads finish their beer.
“Let’s have a competition to see who can do it the most”, says one, “we’ll tally up at breakfast.”
The other two look blankly at him, wondering if the usual two pumps and a squirt is enough, or if should they go for it twice, seeing as it is a special occasion. Then one of the grooms pipes up, “Hold on lads, we can't discuss it over the breakfast table with our new wives sat with us. We need a code.”
The third says, “No you're right. What we'll do then, is for every piece of toast we order, that’ll be the amount times we did it.”
They all decide it's an excellent idea and retire to their rooms.
The next day in the hotel dining room, the grooms are all looking a bit dishevelled, but that's nothing compared to the brides, who can barely stagger across the room to their tables. The waitress comes up to the first groom to take his order. “I'll have the full English breakfast with THREE pieces of toast please,” he says.
The other two grooms smile at him and raise a glass of fresh orange in a toast to his fantastic prowess.
The waitress moves to the second couple and the groom orders, “I too shall have the full English breakfast but could I have FOUR pieces of toast.”
The other two grooms turn to make pistols from their fingers to shoot a salute to the master swordsman.
The waitress gets to the last groom. “I shall also have the full English breakfast please, yet I shall have...” he takes a deep breath, “SEVEN, yes SEVEN PIECES OF TOAST,” he calls for everyone’s benefit whilst giving a big cheesy grin to his two wedding mates, who stare at him in disbelief at the thought how raw his poor cock must be.
“Seven pieces of toast sir?” queries the waitress. “Why, that's an awful lot.”
“Yes indeed young lady, seven pieces of toast it is.” She writes down his order and turns away, but before she can leave, the groom calls after her again.
“And by the way love, can you make two of those brown?..

[layback40]

I flopped my cock out in front of a girl last night and said, "Do you like my new piercing?"
After staring at my penis for 30 seconds she said, "Where's the piercing then?"
I said, "In my ear."

[layback40]

In a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.


"The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?"

The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looks over his glasses and replied, "How very sporting of your mother!"

[layback40]

https://www.youtube.com/embed/g4CuGsP7MVo

[layback40]

A highly restricted briefing document on Syria we've received via email....
President Assad ( who is bad ) is a nasty guy who got so nasty his people rebelled and the Rebels ( who are good ) started winning (hurrah!).
But then some of the rebels turned a bit nasty and are now called Islamic State ( who are definitely bad!) and some continued to support democracy (who are still good.)
So the Americans ( who are good ) started bombing Islamic State ( who are bad ) and giving arms to the Syrian Rebels ( who are good ) so they could
fight Assad ( who is still bad ) which was good.
By the way, there is a breakaway state in the north run by the Kurds who want to fight IS ( which is a good thing ) but the Turkish authorities think they are bad, so we have to say they are bad whilst secretly thinking they're good and giving them guns to fight IS (which is good) but that is another matter.
Getting back to Syria.
So President Putin ( who is bad, cos he invaded Crimea and the Ukraine and killed lots of folks including that nice Russian man in London with polonium poisoned sushi ) has decided to back Assad ( who is still bad ) by attacking ISIS ( who are also bad ) which is sort of a good thing?
But Putin ( still bad ) thinks the Syrian Rebels ( who are good ) are also
bad, and so he bombs them too, much to the annoyance of the Americans ( who are good ) who are busy backing and arming the rebels ( who are also good).
Now Iran ( who used to be bad, but now they have agreed not to build any nuclear weapons and bomb Israel are now good ) are going to provide ground troops to support Assad ( still bad ) as are the Russians ( bad ) who now have ground troops and aircraft in Syria.
So a Coalition of Assad ( still bad ) Putin ( extra bad ) and the Iranians (good, but in a bad sort of way ) are going to attack IS ( who are bad )
which is a good thing, but also the Syrian Rebels ( who are good ) which is bad.
Now the British ( obviously good, except that nice Mr Corbyn in the corduroy jacket, who is probably bad ) and the Americans ( also good ) cannot attack Assad ( still bad ) for fear of upsetting Putin ( bad ) and Iran ( good /bad) and now they have to accept that Assad might not be that bad after all compared to IS ( who are super bad).
So Assad ( bad ) is now probably good, being better than IS ( but let’s face it, drinking your own wee is better than IS so no real choice there ) and since Putin and Iran are also fighting IS that may now make them Good. America ( still Good ) will find it hard to arm a group of rebels being
attacked by the Russians for fear of upsetting Mr Putin ( now good ) and that nice mad Ayatollah in Iran ( also Good ) and so they may be forced to say that the Rebels are now Bad, or at the very least abandon them to their fate. This will lead most of them to flee to Turkey and on to Europe or join IS ( still the only constantly bad group).
To Sunni Muslims, an attack by Shia Muslims ( Assad and Iran ) backed by Russians will be seen as something of a Holy War, and the ranks of IS will now be seen by the Sunnis as the only Jihadis fighting in the Holy War and hence many Muslims will now see IS as Good ( Doh!.)
Sunni Muslims will also see the lack of action by Britain and America in support of their Sunni rebel brothers as something of a betrayal ( mmm.might have a point.) and hence we will be seen as Bad.
So now we have America ( now bad ) and Britain ( also bad ) providing limited support to Sunni Rebels ( bad ) many of whom are looking to IS (Good / bad ) for support against Assad ( now good ) who, along with Iran (also Good) and Putin ( also, now, unbelievably, Good ) are attempting to retake the country Assad used to run before all this started?
I hope that clears up all that confusion for you! If it doesn't, sorry you'll have to find someone else to explain it a different way.