How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.
"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

[layback40]

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad.

The bartender asks the man what he wants.

The man says "Oh just a beer".

The bartender asked the man "What’s wrong, why are you so down today?".

The man said "My wife and I got into a fight, and she said she wouldn’t talk to me for a month".

The bartender said "So what’s wrong with that"?

The man said "Well the month is up tonight"

[layback40]

Two men, an American and an Indian were sitting in a bar and were discussing about their family problems..

Shot after shot...

The Indian man said to the American, 'We have problem in India we can't marry the one whom we love. You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once.'
We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a lot of family problems.'

The American said, talking about love marriages...

In America we can marry the one whom we love. I'll tell you my story. 'I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her, so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law. Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle.Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son, my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grandfather and I am my own grandson. And you say you have family problems.

[layback40]

I wonder if any Policeman
has ever managed to keep a straight face
while telling a woman she has the right to remain silent.

[layback40]

The wife asked me to pass her some lip balm.
Accidentally gave her superglue.
Now she's not talking to me!

[layback40]

My mum used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread butter on bread on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.

Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice pack coolers, but I can't remember getting e. Coli Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake or at the beach instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.

We all took PE ..... And risked permanent injury with a pair of Dunlop sandshoes instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors that cost as much as a small car. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.

We got the cane for doing something wrong at school, they used to call it discipline yet we all grew up to accept the rules and to honour & respect those older than us. We had 50 kids in our class and we all learned to read and write, do maths and spell almost all the words needed to write a grammatically correct letter......., FUNNY THAT!!

We all said prayers in school irrespective of our religion, sang the national anthem and no one got upset.

Staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention we wish we hadn’t got.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself. I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations. We weren't!!

Oh yeah ... And where was the antibiotics and sterilisation kit when I got that bee sting? Could I have been killed!

We played “King of the Hill” on piles of gravel left on vacant building sites and when we got hurt, mum pulled out the 2/6p bottle of iodine and then we got our backside spanked. Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10 day dose of antibiotics and then mum calls the lawyer to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that?

We never needed to get into group therapy and/or anger management classes. We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac!

How did we ever survive???????????????

[layback40]

A husband and wife were having a conversation about the wife getting heavier by the day.

Wife: Honey my stomach is getting bigger I think I’m pregnant!

Husband: Ya, and I know who's the daddy!

Wife : Who ?

Husband : McDonalds!