How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

So the other day my father decided to give me the talk. Well I assumed he was going to give me the sex talk, but he was actually giving me the shaving talk.
So imagine how the following conversation sounded to me.
"OK son now a lot of guys start doing it at you age, though some are a bit older and some are a bit younger. Now the first time your going to do it there will be a little bit of blood, don't worry this is entirely normal. In fact your mother will show you a trick with some rolled up toilet paper. Now you need to work out you preferred method of doing it. Some people do it manually, where as others prefer to do it with electricity. In fact your mother and i have several implements and creams in a draw up stairs that we can show you. Now don't worry son you will be nervous the first time you do it, but don't worry the first time you do it i will be standing behind you making sure your doing it correctly, stroke by stroke"
At that point I fainted

[rustynuts]

You know your getting old when your wheelie bin goes out more than you do.

[layback40]

A gorilla is walking through the jungle. He parts the bushes by the watering hole and sees a lion taking a drink of water with his butt sticking up in the air. The gorilla thinks to himself that it would be really funny if he snuck up behind this "King of the Jungle" and slipped him the old sausage.
So the gorilla sneaks up on his tiptoes behind the lion, grabs him by the hips and starts going to town. Then, he runs away, laughing his head off. He thinks it is the funniest thing he's ever done in his life, s-rewing the "King of the Jungle" in the rear end.
The lion is shocked and upset, lets out a mighty ROAR and chases the gorilla through the jungle. Now, the gorilla can't run very fast and the lion keeps getting closer and closer, so the gorilla ducks into a campsite, puts on some safari clothes and pith helmet, picks up a newspaper, sits down and holds it up to his face, and makes like he is reading it. Just then, the lion comes busting through the jungle. "RRRRRROOOOOOOOAAAAARRRRRR!!!!!!" he says. "Did you just see a big gorilla run through here?"
The gorilla starts shaking behind the paper. "Uh, you mean the one that just s-s-s-screwed you in the ass?" he stutters.
The lion sits up with a start and says, "God! It's in the paper already?"

[layback40]

A sexy lady meet a handsome young man in a pub, after some drinks and a little tipsy the sexy lady said to the young man, "My mouth is like a loud speaker, my two breasts are for tuning, left one is for tuning the channel AM or FM and my right breast is for tuning bass and treble depending which mode you want."

The young man was aroused by the young lady expression, and said to the lady, "I don't believe it."

Young lady said, "You can try it if you want".

Young man said, "Ok come to my hotel room and prove it to me."

They agreed and both holding hands and headed for the hotel room. Upon entering the room the young lady undressed herself and soon the young man start feeling for AM/FM fine-tuning.

After a while nothing happen. He changed to the right and start rubbing with greater pressure.

Again, nothing happened.

The young man soon gave up and ask the lady, "Hello sweetie, after I have tuned your AM/FM and treble/bass, there is no response."

The sexy lady replied, "You forgot to PLUG IN your POWER."

[layback40]

One morning, before the farmer went out to the field, he said, "Honey, the artificial insemination man is coming over this morning to impregnate one of the cows. I put a nail in a two-by-four over the stall. Please show him where it is."

When the man arrived, Nancy led him down the row of stalls until she saw the nail. She pointed to the stall and the man remarked,

"Are you sure?"

"Yep, it's the one with the nail," said Nancy.

"What's the nail for?" inquired the man.

"Well, I guess it's there to hang your pants on."

[layback40]

A long passenger train was traveling cross country when one of its two engines broke down.

The engineer shut off that engine and continued on at half power.

Later, the other engine broke down and the train gradually came to a halt.

The engineer announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, I have good news and bad news.
The bad news is: both engines have failed and we will be stuck here until they send out a replacement locomotive.
The good news is: you decided to take the train today instead of an airplane!"

[layback40]

A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just doing the ‘dirty’. The girl lays on her side of the bed and rests.

The guy goes to his side of the bed and says to himself, "Man oh Man I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."

The girl overhears him talking to himself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"

"Well," the guy explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the woman I love to lose my virginity."

Astounded, the girl replies, "So you really love me?"

"Oh God no!", the guy says. "I just got sick of waiting."