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  #41  
Old 11-02-2012
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My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I out rank you. Tray-up, Bitch."
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  #42  
Old 11-02-2012
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A blonde was admitted to hospital today after having phone sex. Doctors managed to remove 2 Nokias, 3 Motorolas and one Samsung, but no Siemen was found !
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  #43  
Old 11-02-2012
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Why do girls have legs?

Have you seen the mess snails make?
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  #44  
Old 11-02-2012
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bruggz351 View Post
Woah!!! Layback's on fire..

Keep up the good work man...
Any one wanting to get on my email forward list should PM me their email addy before this thread gets deleted!!

Little Johnny! (Bless the little b*stard)

"Class, today's assignment is to spell and
use the word 'DOUGH' in a sentence."


[]
[]"Jane, you go first..."…..Dough, D O U G H …..[]…….Italians

make pizza with dough."

Very good, Jane... Now let's hear from Mary.[]"Dough, D O U G H

…….. …. My brother makes things with play dough."

[]
"Yes, Johnny, do you have something constructive to add?"

“My mom says my dad doesn't make enough dough,
and he's bl o o dy hopeless in bed,
so she uses a dill dough!"
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  #45  
Old 11-02-2012
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^^LOL^^


An Australian, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. It was a man. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.

They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out "My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!" The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman call out, "Hey!, you!!! Are you Jesus?" The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus" he says. The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me." So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table. Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.

The Englishman then calls out, "Errr, excuse me Sir, but would you be Jesus?" Jesus smiles and says, "Yes, I am Jesus." The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.

Then the Australian calls out, "Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus,or what?" Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus." The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a stubbie of Victoria Bitter for Jesus, which he accepts with pleasure.

Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement."Oh God, the arthritis is gone," he says. "The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. "By jove", he exclaims, " The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face.

The Aussie whispers ... "F*** off mate, I'm on Workers Comp"
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  #46  
Old 11-02-2012
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Layback.

My son is a Qantas pilot and never tells me these stories. Tells me many though that are just unreal and in real life. Not like this one below though.

I got one for ya.

A Qantas flight is departing Sydney for Singapore. QF319. A young beautiful blonde is booked into an economy seat but sits in a first class vacant seat.

The biscuit chucker (as we used to call them,don't call them that in the air though as they won't feed you) flight attendant asks the young lady to move back to her economy seat.

The blonde replies that she is beautiful,young,vivacious and is going to Singapore in first class. Stuff flying on an economy ticket when this first class seat is vacant.

This seat is available and I am going to Singapore first class.

The biscuit chucker get's pretty pissed off by this as this blonde will not move out of the seat so goes up to the cockpit to see the captain.

"Captain, I have a passenger who has an economy class ticket for 26B and she is sitting in first class in 4A and will not move, She says that she is beautiful,young,vivacious and is going to Singapore in first class. Stuff flying on an economy ticket when this first class seat is vacant."

The Captain says to the biscuit chucker that this is not a problem at all and he will sort it out.

This stuns the biscuit chucker.

The Captain is married to a blonde,he speaks blonde and understands the situation. He can sort it out no problem.

As the aircraft is before pushback and still boarding (the co-pilot is handling the cockpit tasks) the great dignified Captain goes back to the blonde in 4A,sits next to her and has a little whisper in her ear for about 2 minutes.

The blonde after this little chat gets up and walks down the aisle to 26B seat.

The biscuit chucker is just stunned as she has tried everything in all her years of experience to get this lady to go to her booked seat.

She says to the Captain " How the hell did you get her to go back to her seat after all I have tried with my years at Qantas as being a flight attendant bending and accomodating every wish and need to the pasengers?"

The Captain replied.

"I just simply told her that first class is not going to Singapore"
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Last edited by rastus2571; 11-02-2012 at 07:14 PM.
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  #47  
Old 11-02-2012
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This older guy loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of."

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will l give you sexual pleasures like you have never had."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
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  #48  
Old 11-02-2012
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Beer Troubleshooting
BEER TROUBLESHOOTING
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
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