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  #7905  
Old 16-09-2017
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A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel..'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and
goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
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  #7906  
Old 16-09-2017
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I bumped into an old mate yesterday. He said, "I haven't seen you for 14 years . What happened?"
I said, "I've been locked up."
He said, "What did you do, commit murder?"
I said, "No, I got married."
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  #7907  
Old 22-09-2017
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A lot of people cry when they cut an onion. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

What do you call a seagull flying over the bay? A bagel.

Q: What did the beaver say to the tree? A: "It's been nice gnawing you!"

A recent worldwide survey showed that out of 2,146,703,436 people, 94% were too lazy to actually read that number.

How many snowboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 50: 3 to die trying, 1 to actually pull it off, and 46 others to say, "man, I could do that!"

A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.

If the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then lefties are the only ones in their right mind.

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

Man: "Hey baby, what's your sign?"

Woman: "Do not enter."

Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church. One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, "Where is God?" The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, "Where is God?" The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet. Eventually his brother found him and asked, "What's wrong?" The crying boy replied, "We're in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him!"

Nurse: "The invisible man is here for his appointment."

Doctor: "Tell him I'm sorry I can't see him right now."
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  #7908  
Old 29-09-2017
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Bifocals are God’s way of saying, “Keep your chin up.”

I think a lot of the conflict that happened in the Wild West could’ve been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.

So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world.

Does it disturb anyone else that “The Los Angeles Angels” baseball team translates directly to “The The Angels Angels”?

“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” 
—Alcohol.

There’s no “I” in denial.

My neighbour is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone’s throw away, in fact.

My favourite game is “Professional Dog Walker or Crazy Person?”

A hotel minibar allows you to see into the future and find out what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020.

Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it.

Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level; it’s cheaper.
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  #7909  
Old 30-09-2017
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2 hrs ·

Recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.

I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.”
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  #7910  
Old 07-10-2017
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I’ll never forget how happy i was when i saw my Mrs. walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age but eventually there she was, stood beside me. I gave her a cheeky wink and said, “Get that trolley over here, they’re doing three cases of Beer for the price of two”
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  #7911  
Old 09-10-2017
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I'm sure you all wanted to know this!

Antennae vs. antennas

Did you know there is a difference between Antennae and Antennas? I always thought one was correct and the other incorrect. It turns out that both are used. Antennae relates to bugs and Antennas refers to the multiple appendages on 4WD vehicles.

In the U.S. and Canada, the plural of the noun antenna is antennae when the word denotes the flexible sensory appendages on insects and other animals. But when the word refers to a metallic apparatus for sending or receiving electromagnetic signals, American and Canadian writers use antennas. British writers tend to use antennae for both purposes. Australian and New Zealand writers are split on the matter, using both plurals for the metallic devices.
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  #7912  
Old 09-10-2017
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Friday Funnies

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.

“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”



At an art exhibition, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist’s work. They finally went with mine.

“I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral,” I said.

“No,” said the boy. “Your painting’s wider, so it’ll cover three holes in our wall.”



A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.

“Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.

The customer was flummoxed: “I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”



When my co-worker answered his phone, the confused woman on the other end asked, “Who is this?”

“This is Steve. With whom did you wish to speak?”

After a pause: “Did you just say whom?”

“Yes, I did.”

The woman replied, “I have the wrong number,” and hung up.



Tips for film villains.

• I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

• My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

• If I’m eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether to switch with him.

• My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

• When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say no and finish him off.
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