How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[bruggz351]

After a busy day, I was settling down in my seat of the train at Central.
I'd hoped to fit in a short power-nap until at least I'd reached my destination at Hornsby.

However, the chap sitting next to me hauled out his mobile and started up.
"Hi darling it's Peter, I'm on the train.

Yes, I know it's the 6:30 and not the 4:30, but darling I had a long meeting.
No, not with that floozie from the typing pool, with the Boss.
No darling you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart",, etc, etc.....

This was still going on half an hour later when we reached Chatswood.

The young woman opposite was driven beyond endurance and yelled at the top of her voice:
"Hey, Peter, turn that bloody phone off and come back to bed!"

[bruggz351]

Two indigenous Australians were driving their old
Ford Falcon in the outback recently, when off in the distance
they saw a police "booze bus".

Rather than trying to avoid it, the driver headed straight for it.
As they pulled up, the driver wound his window down and said
'G'day, brudder! Two cans of Emu Export, thanks!'

The copper glared at him and said 'You must be drunk!
Get out of the car and blow into this tube!'

The driver said 'Sorry boss, I can't blow in that,
I got a letter from the doctor saying I'm asthmatic
and I'll pass out if I blow in that.'

The cop smirked and said 'OK - in that case,
we require you to give a blood sample.'

'Nah, nah - sorry, boss,' replied the driver.
'Can't be doin' that. Got a letter from the Red Cross sayin'
I'm a haemophiliac, and I could bleed to death if I gave
a blood sample.
Sorry, boss, can't do that!'

By now the copper was getting very irate,

and so he demanded that the driver provide a urine sample for testing.

The driver shook his head and said

'Sorry boss, can't do that either.'

The copper protested 'Surely you haven't got a letter for that!!!'

'Bloody oath, mate!' says the driver,

'It's from a Member of Parliament of this lovely

country of Australia, and says that

you whitefellas can't take the piss out of us blackfellas no more!

[bruggz351]

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."



The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."



God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.



A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.



The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again."



God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.



About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"



The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"

[layback40]

The Australian Medical Association has weighed in on the Prime Minister Julia Gillard's health care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldnt hear of it. The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the



Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the a***holes in Canberra.

[layback40]

Second Opinion!

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..'

The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'



C942F37BE88A498683A81A60C19A650F@richardea03484

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

[layback40]

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua . As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman Said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand.
This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought,"What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said, ........






"A Chihuahua ? They gave me a f**king Chihuahua ?!"

[bruggz351]

Use Your Brain

I've seen this with the letters out of order, but this is the first time I've seen it with numbers, F1gur471v3ly 5p34k1ng?

Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this you have a strong mind:

7H15 M3554G3

53RV35 7O PR0V3

H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N

D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!

1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!

1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG

17 WA5 H4RD BU7

N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3

Y0UR M1ND 1S

R34D1NG 17

4U70M471C4LLY

W17H 0U7 3V3N

7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,

B3 PROUD! 0NLY

C3R741N P30PL3 C4N

R3AD 7H15.
PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F

U C4N R34D 7H15