How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.
Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up and asks the teacher, are you sure about the stork, miss? I think you're getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag at the beach..!!!

[layback40]

A platoon of soldiers were patrolling north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar but less serious state.


The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had happened.


The soldier reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.' We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved.


He yelled back that Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, good-for-nothing, left wing labour dickhead who knows bugger all about running the country.'


'So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!'

He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Julia Gillard !'

'And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, When a f**king truck hit us.'

[layback40]

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' that will bring on a 'whatever').

( Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying F--- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

[layback40]

The only cow in a small town in Latrobe Valley in Victoria, stopped giving
milk.
The people did some research & found they could buy a cow up in Woy
Woy in N.S.W, , for $200.
They bought the cow from Woy Woy in N.S.W & the cow was wonderful.
It produced lots of milk all of the time, & the
people were pleased & very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow & produce more cows like it.
They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought a bull & put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull & he
could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset & decided to ask the local Veterinarian, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the vet what was happening.
"Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away"
they said. "If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
An approach from the side & she walks away to the other side."

The veterinarian thinks about this for a minute & asks, "Did you buy
this cow in Woy Woy in N.S.W?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they
bought the cow.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow in Woy Woy?"

The veterinarian replied, with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is
from Woy Woy."

[layback40]

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know!

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying 'Hello.'

I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f*** ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.


After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!' and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole !' It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic asshole calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'

He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said, 'Yes, it is.'

I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Bondi.

It's a yellow ranch house, and the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?' He said, 'Yes?'

I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!'

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.

He said, 'Hello.'

I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, 'Are you still there?'

I said, 'Yeah.'

He screamed, 'Stop calling me!'

I said, 'Make me.'

He asked, 'Who are you?'

I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Bondi, a yellow ranch house, I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don.

And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.

Then I called Asshole No. 2.

He said, 'Hello?'

I said, 'Hello, asshole .'

He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said, 'You'll what?'

He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,'

I answered, 'Well , asshole, here's your chance.

I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Bondi, and that my gay lover was on his way over to kill me.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Bondi.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Bondi. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management works.

[layback40]

The International Council of Man Laws

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and
eaten by his friends.

4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
forever unless you actually marry her.

5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that
point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.

8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask
the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to
climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent
entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your
girlfriend.

10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and
only when it's free.

11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
kick another guy in the nuts.

12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as
much as the other sports watchers.

16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
sober enough to fight.

17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,
but not both, that's just greedy.

18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about
his choice of beer.

19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours,
except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e.,
both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an
almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than
you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if
necessary.

22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have
carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is
no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs
about what a big mistake it was.

23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her
to drive yours.

24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green,
orange or sky blue.

25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?'
with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox 360 End of
story.

26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics.
Ever.

[layback40]

ONE .
Recently,when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken
McNuggets.I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets,"said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?"I replied.
"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right."
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

TWO.
I was checking out at the local Target with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt
close to mine.
I picked up one of those" dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they
wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items,she picked up the "divider,"looking it all over for the bar code so
she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code she said to me,"Do you know how much this is?"
I said to her "I've changed my mind,I don't think I'll buy that today."
She said,"OK," and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE.
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking
for a credit card number,so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR.
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car."Do you need some help?"I asked.
She replied,"I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote.Now I can't get into my car.Do you
think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm,I dunno.Do you have an alarm,too?"I asked.
"No,just this remote thingy,"she answered,handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door,I replied,"Why don't you drive over there and check
about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE.
Several years ago,we had a junior typist who was none too swift.One day she was typing and turned to a
secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper.What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper,"the secretary told her.
With that, the junior took her last remaining blank piece of paper,put it on the photocopier and proceeded
to make five "blank" copies.

SIX.
My neighbour works in the I.T. department in the central office of a large bank.Employees in the field call him
when they have problems with their computers.
One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branches who had this question:"I've got smoke coming
from the back of my terminal.Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

SEVEN.
Police in Dubbo NSW interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with
wires to a photocopier machine. The Message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the
copybutton each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.Believing the "lie detector" was working,
the suspect confessed.


Life is tough... It's even tougher if you're stupid...