How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens. "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?" "Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".

[layback40]

"The Gold Urinal"


Before his 2001 inauguration, George Bush was invited to a get acquainted tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton 's personal bathroom, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. 'Just think,' he said, 'when I am president, I could have a gold urinal too. But I wouldn't do something that self-indulgent!'

Later when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill . . . "I found out who pissed in your Saxophone."

[layback40]

CATHOLIC GOLF

Catholic or not you have to laugh at this one.



A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare
afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf.

The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.
He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again.

"Shit, I missed."

"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing,"
the nun said tartly..

The priest promised to do better and the round continued.

On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.

Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you
dead if you keep swearing like that.."

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again.
"Shit, I missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of
lightning comes out of the sky and strikes
Sister Marie dead in her tracks.



And from the sky above comes a booming voice ...




"Shit, I missed."

[layback40]

Subject: FW: WARNING "EBAY"













If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully.
Be careful what you purchase on eBay.

A friend spent $50 on a penis enlarger.

They sent him a magnifying glass.

Instructions said, "Do not use in the sunlight"

[layback40]

Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms.
They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly.

* Nike Condoms :::: Just do it

* Toyota Condoms :::: Oh what a feeling

* Ford Condoms :::: The ride of your life

* Optus Condoms :::: Yes!

* Duracell Condoms :::: Keep going & going &going

* Pringles Condoms :::: Once you pop you can't stop

* Hyundai Condoms :::: All day, every day

* Tip Top Condoms :::: Good onya mum
(available in Tasmania only)

* Panasonic Condoms :::: Even more than you expected

* VB Condoms :::: As a matter of fact, I've got one now

* Swan Lager Condoms :::: They said you'd never make it

* Vegemite Condoms :::: Puts a rose in every cheek

* Levi Condoms :::: Do you fit the legend?

* Nescafe Condoms :::: It brings you together.


The following brands wouldn't sell so well.....


* Goodyear Condoms :::: If it only saves you once a year.

* RTA Condoms :::: Speed kills

* Nobby's Condoms :::: Nibble Nobby's Nuts

* Bolle Condoms :::: Put them on your face

* Aussie Homeloans Condoms :::: We'll save you










* "Gillard" Condom::::Sorry it's too late you' v e already been s crewed!!!!!

[layback40]

Ask a stupid question


I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my d##k and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door..

Stupid *****........why else would I buy dog food

[layback40]

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop.


Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.


Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk, "Dooo youuuu have dilllldosss?"



The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."



The old woman then asks: "Doooo youuuu carrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk ... aaand rrunns by bbaatteries ?"



The clerk responds, "Yes we do.."



"Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn iittt offfff?"