How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[layback40]

ITS A PLEASURE TO SEE A POL JOKE THAT IS UNILATERAL NOT JUST ANTI GILLARD

That’s OK. We just hate every one! (who are this stupid!)







A Canberra airport ticket agent

This is priceless funny stuff;

But alas, is only a small indication

Of how much trouble our country is in.

A Canberra airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our country is in trouble:




1. I had a politician

Julie Bishop

Ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

(On an airplane!)



2. I got a call from a Queensland politician (Katter) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown .

I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid,

But Capetown IS in Queensland....''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained,

''Cooktown is in Qld, Capetown is in Africa '' his response (?)


3

Senior Labor Politician

Kevin Rudd

Called, furious about a Florida package we did.

I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando .

He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.

I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'don't lie to me,

I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!''


4.

I got a call from a Politicians wife

Landra Reid

Who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map.''



5.

Aide for a cabinet member

Janet Napolitano

Once called and asked if she could rent a car in Sydney .

I pulled up the reservation and noticed she had only a 1-hour layover in Sydney .

When I asked her why she wanted to rent a car, she said,

''I heard Sydney was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.''




6. Independent (Wilkie) called last week. He needed to know how it was possible that his flight from Sydney left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Perth at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Sydney was three hours ahead of Perth ,

But he couldn't understand the concept of time zones.

Finally, I told him the plane went fast, and

He bought that.


7.

Federal politician,

(Joe Hockey)

Called and asked,

''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag

So they know whose luggage belongs to whom?''

I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline,

They put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight.

I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it.

(I was dying laughing).


I came back

And explained the city code for Fraser Island is (FAT - Fraser Air Terminal), and the airline was

Just putting a destination tag on his luggage.


8.

Senator

(Bronwyn Bishop)

Called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii .

After going over all the cost info, she asked,

''Would it be cheaper to fly to California

And then take the train to Hawaii ?''


9.

I just got off the phone with a Labor politician,

Peter Garrett

Who asked,

''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied,

''I was told my flight number is 823,

But none of these planes have that number on them.''



10.

Peter Slipper

Queensland Snoozetician

Called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida .

Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if he meant fly to Pensacola, Florida on a commuter plane.

He said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''





11.

Mary Landrieu,

Kevin Rudd's aide called and had a question about the documents

she and her boss needed in order to fly to China .

After a lengthy discussion about passports,

I reminded her that she needed a visa.

'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa.

When I told her this she said,




''Look, I've been to China four times

and every time they have accepted

my American Express!''






12.

Prime Minister

Julia Gillard

called to make reservations,

''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York ''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said,

''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''

'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied Ms Gillard.

After some searching, I came back with,

''I'm sorry, I've looked up every airport code

in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

''Julia said, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is.

Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered,

''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''

The reply?

''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''



Now you know why the Governmentis in the shape that it's in!

Could anyone be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS,

AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED..

I don't write it, I just offer it for your consideration.

Like manure, you just gotta spread it around.

[layback40]

Testicular Disorders





A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.

During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained,

"I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman...

As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health fund. "

[layback40]

A pregnant woman went to the gynecologist,
and when asked what was the problem, she
responded, "Well, whenever I take off my
clothes, my n/pples get hard."

Shocked, the doctor took a deep breath, then
asked, "Your nipples get hard?"

"Yes," quite innocently came her reply.

"Undress so I can check," replied the still amazed
doc. So, she undressed, and he got down to the
feeling and massaging, trying to reach an answer.

After some considerable time, the doctor, still
looking puzzled, said, "Well, Madame, I don't know
what you have, but it's sure as hell contagious!"

[layback40]

The Suspicious Wife



A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her, and having an affair with the Maid.

So she laid down a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend & didn't tell the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: "Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches", and went to the bathroom.

The wife promptly went into the Maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but had his way with her....

When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And then she switched on the light...

"No madam", said the Gardener...

[layback40]

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them:

"It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it'z illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
"Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile",

the Germans retort unbelievingly. "Look at ze papers: zis
car is designt to kerry 5 persons."

"You can'ta pulla thata one on me!", replies the Italian customs
agent. "Quattro meansa four. You hava fivea people ina your car and
you are thereforea breaking the law."

The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor
over, I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!"

"Sorry", responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come. He'sa busy
with a 2 guys in a Fiat Uno!!!"

[layback40]

U'VE GOT TO LOVE THE IRISH


1. Joe says to Paddy,
"Close your curtains the next time you're having sex with your wife.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says, "Well the joke's on them, ‘cos Oi wasn't even at home yesterday."


2. Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked and playing with himself in front of a tractor.
Mick says, "Jaysus Paddy, what’re ye doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been gettin’ on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended Oi do something sexy to attracter....”


3. Paddy says to Mick,
“Oi'm ready for a holiday, only this year Oi'm going to do it a bit different.
T’ree years ago Oi went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. Two years ago Oi went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year Oi went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant.”
Mick asks, “So what are you going to do this year?”
Paddy replies, “Oi'll take her wit’ me!”


4. Paddy goes to America for the 1st time, walking up 5th Avenue .
He sees a building on fire and rushes over to see people stuck at the 4th floor windows.
He shouts up, “Oi'm Paddy-John Dara O'Neill, the Oirish rugby player! Jump and Oi'll catch ye’s”. A girl jumps out and Paddy catches her, a guy jumps and Paddy gets him too. Then a black guy jumps and Paddy lets him hit the concrete, then shouts up, “Come on now folks, there's no point t’rowin down the burnt ones!!


5. Paddy says to Mick,
"Christmas is on a Friday this year."
Mick says, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."


6. Paddy & Mick find three hand grenades, so they take them to a police station.
Mick says: "What if one explodes, before we get there?"
Paddy answered: "We'll lie and say we only found two."


7. Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him,
"Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Yes but it's for dry hair and Oi’ve just feckin’ wet mine."

[layback40]

Number One Idiot

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center.
Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little
daughter eating ants.
I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would
be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.
She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention
that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.
Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Two Idiot
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to
steal a life raft from one of the 747s.
They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.
Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a
Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator
beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Three Idiot
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the
Branch and wrote this, “Put all your muny in this bag.”;
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he
began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call
the police before he reached the teller's window.
So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller.
She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the
brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his
stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip
and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip
or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, “OK” and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at
Bank of America .
Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Four Idiot
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that
measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.
He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that
contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.
He immediately mailed in his $40.
Wise guy ... But you still get a sign.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Five Idiot
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded
all of the cash from the cash drawer.
After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of
Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the
cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and
said, “Because I don't believe you are over 21.”;
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him
because she didn't believe him.
At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet
and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21
and she put the Scotch in the bag.
The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address
of the robber that he got off the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.
This guy definitely needs a sign.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Six
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, “Nobody move!”;
When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Seven
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly.
He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store
window, grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the
window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious.
It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.
The whole event was caught on videotape.
Yep, here's your sign.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Eight

I live in a semi-rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative
office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason: “Too many deer are being hit by cars out here ! I don't
think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.”;
Take the sign - Please!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stay Alert! They walk among us ... they Reproduce ... they Vote
and I'm sure that many of them hold elected office