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  #6903  
Old 17-10-2016
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An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with Picnic Tables, Horseshoe Courts, and some orange, and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard happy voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of naked young women Skinny-Dipping in his Pond.

He made all the Women aware of his presence and they all rushed and went to the Deep End.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave, you dirty old man"..

The old man frowned, and replied "I didn't come down here to watch you Ladies Swim Naked or make you get out of the Pond Naked..

Holding up his Bucket, he said, "I'm just here to Feed the Alligator"..

Some old men can think fast !!..
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  #6904  
Old 21-10-2016
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I saw a poster today, somebody was asking “Have you seen my cat?” So I called the number and said that I didn’t. I like to help where I can.

If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $6.30 now.

If I ever go missing, you should put my picture on beer rather than milk bottles. This way, my friends will find me faster.



On a first date:

He: “I work with animals every day!”

She: “Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?”

He: “I’m a butcher.”



A guy helps an old nun across the street.

She: Thank you very much, young man!

He: No problem. Batman’s friends are my friends!



Truly delicious tofu recipe:

1) Chuck the tofu.

2) Fry a juicy steak.



I did a self-defense course. I wouldn’t recommend anyone to attack me in slow motion now.

If alcohol influences short-term memory, what does alcohol do?

I thought I’d tell you a good time travel joke – but you didn't like it.



A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning.

The surprised girl said, “What was that?”

The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!”

The girl slapped him soundly.

“What was that?!” said the boy, holding his cheek.

“Customer feedback.”



What's the best place to hide a body? Page two of Google.



Fun Facts:

At any given moment, about 0.7% of the people in the world are drunk

If you kept yelling for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would produce enough sound energy to heat up a cup of tea.

In the USA, there are more Chinese restaurants than all the McDonald’s, KFCs, Burger Kings and Wendy’s put together.

620 million years ago, an Earth day was only 21.9 hours long. It is extending a little every year.

In 1994, a man was arrested because he was dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stood and stared into the windows of a home for the elderly.

The human heart can squirt blood to a distance of 30 feet.

Orange juice tastes bad after you’ve brushed your teeth because the toothpaste blocks the sweetness receptors on your tongue.

The first primarily decorative flower to be grown in space was a zinnia, it bloomed on January 16, 2016.

In Germany, you are allowed to drive your car naked if mood takes you that way, but you may not get out of it naked.

In India, kissing in public is not allowed.

Camels can hold a grudge and wait patiently for their opportunity to take revenge.

We use more salt to get ice off our roads (8% of the global salt production) than to eat (6% of the global salt production).

Meet Neil Harbisson – cyborg artist. He had a special antenna implanted in his head which allows him to hear colour and see sound, connect to the internet, Bluetooth and nearby electronic devices.
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  #6905  
Old 26-10-2016
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Susie is a prostitute who doesn't want her gran to know. One day Police raid the brothel & line up the girls outside.The gran walks past& sees her.Quick thinking Susie tells her its a queue for free oranges, so her gran joins the queue. When the Police get to gran, they're surprised& ask her 'how do u do it at your age?'she replies ,I take my teeth out, peel back the skin& suck 'em until they're dry..


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  #6906  
Old 27-10-2016
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Dolly wanted a new living room set but her husband kept saying "No." Everyday she would ask him to please let her have the set. Everyday he would say "No."
One day he decided to end this discussion once and for all. When Dolly asked, he looked at her and said, "You can have that living room set you have been wanting, but only on one condition."
Dolly was so excited! "Anything you want, honey!"
"Well," he began, "when you grow hair on your chest, I'll buy you that living room."
"Grow hair on my chest?"
Dolly was devastated. "How am I going to do that?"
Her husband just smiled and went off to work.
Arriving home that night, he found Dolly waiting for him. Her eyes sparkled and the smile she wore was almost as big as the day they wed.
"Honey," she trilled, "I ordered my living room set this afternoon!"
"You dddid???" her husband stammered. "You have hair on your chest now? I mean real hair, not a toupee, or some animal hair pasted on!"
"I sure do!" she replied.
"No way! Let me see it." replied her husband.
"OK!" she said as she lifted up her skirt.
"There it is!" She pointed to her privates.
"HONEY! That is not your chest!"
"Oh, yes it is! Before we were married it was your 'hope' chest. Since we've been married it's been your 'tool' chest. And if I don't get my living room set, it's going to be the 'community' chest!"
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  #6907  
Old 01-11-2016
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Aussie Computer Terminology - Getting ready for Broadband in the bush!! A little bit of Aussie culcha.

LOG ON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.

LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.

MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.

DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the ute.

HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.

KEYBOARD: Where you hang the ute keys.

WINDOWS: What you shut when the weather's cold.

SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.

BYTE: What mozzies do

MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.

CHIP: A pub snack.

MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.

MODEM: What you did to the lawns.

LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.

SOFTWARE: Plastic knives and forks you get at Red Rooster.

HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives and forks - from K-Mart.

MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.

MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.

WEB: What spiders make.

WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the veranda.

SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the ute won't go.

CURSOR: What you say when the ute won't go.

YAHOO: What you say when the ute does go.

UPGRADE: A steep hill.

SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.

NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.

INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.

NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover a hole in the net.

ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.

OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough



THOUGHTS TO PONDER

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

Do Lipton Tea employees take "coffee breaks?"

Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

Why, why, why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds, when they already know you're broke?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
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  #6908  
Old 01-11-2016
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A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour.
The husband is behind the wheel.

His wife suddenly looks across at him and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we have been married for over twenty years, but I want a divorce.

The husband says nothing, he keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases his speed to 45mph. The wife speaks again. "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it." She says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he is a far better lover than you are."

Again the husband stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55mph. She pushes her luck. "I want the house." She says insistently. Up to 60 mph. "I want the car, too." She continues. 65mph. "And," she says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.

This makes her nervous, so she asks him, "Isn't their anything you want?"

The husband at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need, " he says.

"Oh, really," she inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 65mph, the husband turns to her and smiles. "The airbag!"
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  #6909  
Old 02-11-2016
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Two Aussie builders (Keith & Ken) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Ken: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Keith: - No way - he's a stockbroker..

Ken: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Ken and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.

Ken: - 'Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

Ken: - Oh! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Ken: - Err.... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Ken: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden.

Ken - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a
large garden then you have a large house?

Ken: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to
assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Ken: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and five children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with
your wife on a regular basis?

Ken:- Yep! Five or six nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Ken: - Me? Never.

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Ken: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Ken: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Ken returns to his mate.

Keith: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Ken - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Keith: - What's that then?

Ken: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Keith: - Nope.

Ken: - Well then, you're a wanker!
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