How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[Richo]

Originally Posted by layback40

This is a little controversial ~ It may get me banned!!!



Bloody Victorians...



It is well known that humour is regional, but this is the first joke that I can say is truly Victorian:

At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) found themselves sitting at the same table for lunch.

When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of Tooheys said without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New."

The head of XXXX Qld. smiled and said, “Make mine a xxxx."

To which the boss of Coopers rejoined, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers."

And the bloke from Cascade asked for "a Cascade, the cleanest draught on the planet."

The General Manager of CUB vic. paused a moment and then placed his order: "I'll have a Diet Coke."

The others looked at him as if he had sprouted a new head.

"Well,” he said with a shrug, “if you p00fters aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."

Fair enough.

[Dustbowl]

Bahahahahahhahaa love it I haven't read anything that funny in ages !!!

[layback40]

Pilot responsibilities

Cockpit Duties......


On a long United flight, before cockpit doors were sealed for the duration of the flight, an elderly lady asked if she could visit the cockpit.
When she got up there, she found four crewmen. She asked the first what he did, and he explained that he was the navigator and his job was to keep the flight on course.
She turned to next one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the engineer and his job was to monitor and troubleshoot any system problems to keep the flight operating smoothly.
She turned to the next one and asked what he did. He explained that as the captain he was responsible for everything on the airplane and the functioning of the crew.
Then she turned to the Co-Pilot and asked "Well young man, what is your job?"

He replied, "Ma'am, I am the captain's sexual advisor."

Somewhat shocked, she said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"

"Very simple ma'am. The captain has told me that when he wants my f**king advice, he'll ask me."

[layback40]

The Italian Secret to a Long Marriage

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Adelaide, they have weekly husbands'
Marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was
approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and
share some insight into how he had managed

to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to
treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka
her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all
the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife
for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."

[layback40]

WE WAS BRUNG UP PROPER !!
"And we never had a whole Mars bar until 1993"!!!
CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL MY FRIENDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE
1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70’s
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank Sherry while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos...
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, bread and dripping, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.
Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds , KFC, Subway or Nandos.
Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on a Sunday, somehow we didn't starve to death!
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Toffees, Gobstoppers and Bubble Gum.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter, milk from the cow, and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O..K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii , X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY ,
no video/dvd films, or colour TV
no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
Lawsuits from these accidents.

Only girls had pierced ears!

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time....

We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays,

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!
Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet because we didn't need to keep up with the Jones's!

Not everyone made the rugby/football/cricket/netball team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on
MERIT

Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and throw the blackboard rubber at us if they thought we weren't concentrating ..
We can string sentences together and spell and have proper conversations because of a good, solid three R's education..
Our parents would tell us to ask a stranger to help us cross the road.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law!

Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL !
And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.
PS -The big type is because your eyes are not too good at your age anymore

[layback40]

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from
shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your
doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better
and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can
help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world
that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost
immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can
overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life
you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you
will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop
hiding and start living.

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who
are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women
who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are
encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include: dizziness, nausea, vomiting,
incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss
of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table
dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to
sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth
Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

WARNINGS:
* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think
you are whispering when you are not.
* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to
tell your friends that you love them (repeatedly).
* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to
think you can sing.
* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the
illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better
looking than most people.

Please feel free to share this important information with as
many as you feel may benefit!

Now. just imagine what you could achieve with a good Shiraz .

[bruggz351]

Originally Posted by layback40

WE WAS BRUNG UP PROPER !!

How bloody true is this eh.....