How tuff are Aussie blokes?

[Von Depner]

Are you tougher than this,

[layback40]

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter.
In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.


It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the
bank which was worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.


She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut



Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!

[bruggz351]

It was a little country pub , through the week it was a quiet little watering hoLe for the locals to unwind after a hard day on the land.

The ambience of this was on the weekend changed somewhat when the Toorak Farmers would decend upon the place and break the calm ambience by airing their so called knowledge of all things relating to the land.

This night was a particularly foul night, the rain was howling down outside and the wind chill factor was freezing. There were a few locals who decided to put up with the city farmers of the weekend trade and come and socialise at the bar with neighbors and friends and as usuall it brought in the Collins street farmers in as well .

The weather was so foul it brought in an old stockman with his old cattle dog , he took of his well worn Drizabone and his well seasoned hat, shook the rain off them and hung them on a peg near the door,.

Although there was a roaring log fire blazing at one end of the bar, it was where the city folks had gathered . Being not one for crowds and fools, he went to the other end where there was no one , his old cattle dog close on his heels as was expected, no commands given, they had worked as a team for so long and knew what was expected of each, the old stockman sat down on a stool and the dog settled down at his feet, he held up one finger to the barman for one beer, it was poured and the old stockman sipped it in silence .

This caused a change of topic for the braggarts of the pretenders from the city to that of dogs and each in turn extolled the pedigree of their particular animal, boasting how good they were with cattle and so forth.

Unfortunately the old stockman could not get any further away from them so he just sat there and tried to shut the crap out.

It was when one city slicker said " My dog is a pure bred kelpie, his name is Bruce'. The old stockman thought ' good breed of dog, but a S@#T name "

The so called farmer continued " I have had him so well trained that he will only act on my command and no-one elses, I'll put money on it "

The others in his group said" Ah that's crap "

The braggart owner replied" well I'll show you" left the bar and went out to get the dog from his top of the range 4X4 and brought it inside.

'I'LL PUT UP $50 FOR ANYONE WHO CAN GET HIM TO OBEY , But If you can't you owe me the wager!" So one by one they all tried, each failling in turn , the pot got larger as the grog combined with the exaltation of success took affect and pretty soon the pot was up to $2000,

The noise of all this was getting too much for the old stockman and the sound of the braggarts voice in particular was grating on his ears, it was all too much , so he stood up dropped his hand in a silent command for his old cattle dog to stay.

He went down to the townies end of the bar and addressed the the now over confident braggart . " Okay Sunshine, correct me if I am wrong, the wager is $2000 , you've got it correct ? To which the townie , particullarly as he didn't want to be shown up in front of his socalled mates confirmed that the wager was good.

"Okay clear some space if you will " They all gave him room, as quick as a flash he grabbed the pedigree Kelpie cattle dog by the scruff of the neck and by the tail and hurled it into the blasing fire place and yelled "Bruce, get the F@#K out of there !" __________________

[bruggz351]

Three couples were out playing golf. An English couple, an Irish couple & a Scottish couple. As The English lady was about to tee off a gust of wind blew her dress up over her head. Her husband was horrified, he shouted "Daphne, where are your knickers?" "On the pittance you give me for housekeeping, I can't afford any," she replied. The English man reached into his pocket and pulled out $50.00 "For the sake of decency Daphne, buy yourself some knickers" he barked.
You won't believe this, as the Irish woman was about to tee off a gust of wind blew her dress up over her head. "Mother of Mary" the Irish man screamed "Where are your knickers Betty?" "On the pittance you give me for housekeeping, I can't afford any," she replied.The Irish man reached into his pocket and pulled out $20.00 "For the sake of decency Betty, buy yourself some knickers" he replied.
As unbelievable as this sounds, just as the Scottish woman was about to tee off a gust of wind blew her dress up over her head. "Kathryn where are your knickers?" the Scotsman screamed."On the pittance you give me for housekeeping, I can't afford any," she replied. The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a comb. ""For the sake of decency Kathryn, tidy yourself up a bit"

[bruggz351]

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, 'It's certainly not a ship.' As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft. Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure in a black wet suit.

Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, 'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?'

'Ten years' replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. 'Faith and begorrah,' said the castaway, 'that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!'

'And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish whiskey?' asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, 'Ten years.'
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. ''Tis nectar of the gods!' shouted the
Irishman. ''Tis truly fantastic!!!'

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, 'and how long has it been since you played around?'

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, 'Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!'

[bruggz351]

Papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole all live together in a little mole hole.


One day, papa mole sticks His head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said,
"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said,
"Oh, Yum! I smell honey!"

Now baby mole is trying to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air,
but can't because the bigger moles are in the way.
This makes him whine,
"Geez, all I can smell is....

MOLASSES!

[bruggz351]

A little old couple from Mildura were setting off on their annual drive up to the Sunshine coast for the winter months.

Both were in their mid eighties, had owned their little Toyota buzz box since new since 1989. she wouldn't let him drive any more and he being a survivor of a long marriage just knew it was best not to argue , just sit there and shut up. She was deaf as a post and so drove the car oblivious to the sound of the valves bouncing as she sped towards their destination.

The old bloke was very concerned about the speed she was doing so he spoke loudly to her " Watch your speed, you are doing way over the speed limit, you'll get booked again !

Her response was "What did you say, speak up , I can't hear you !" So yelling at the top of his lungs again he uttered " Watch your speed, you are doing way over the speed limit, you'll get booked again !

She then slowed down, but old habits die hard, and soon again she was back up to warp 1 speed ; the old bloke just shrugged his shoulders and sat back and accepted the uselessness of his attempt to slow her down.

Predictably, a copper detected this cruise missle shoot past him from his hiding place, about the only bloody tree on the Hay Plain , he sped off after them . It took him a while , but he caught up to them , passed them and forced them to pull over.

The old man yelled at hs wife " you see, I told you were speeding, but no , you don't take any notice of me, not bloody ever ." and then just sat back. The copper strode up thinking it must be some young hoons thrashing an old car like this . He was taken back when he discovered the age of the offender.

" Driver , please produce your licence . " The old woman turned to her husband and asked " What did he say, what did he say?" Her Husband yelled back her " He wants to look at your licence ". and in a normal range " You silly old ***** !"

So while the old woman was rumaging around with her head down, trying to find her licence in her bag , the copper started a conversation with the old man " Where are you from?"

"Mildura" replied the old man . "Mildura " replied the copper " Bloody Mildura, I was there for a while, had the worst bit of sex in my life there !"

The old lady brought her head up and turned to her husband and asked " What did he say, what did he say ?"

The old man yelled back at her " He knows ya !"